The Bachelorette 2013 Preview – Part I

I’d never audibly gasped upon seeing 25 men, but I did on Monday.  A co-worker and I were in a heated discussion about taxable income and … alright, we may have been in a heated discussion about when we could have our Fantasy Bachelorette draft.  I told her we had to wait until ABC released the bios of Desiree’s potential 6-month soul mates, and seeing as how the show had pushed its start date out to May 27th, I thought we might be waiting a while.  We covered our bases by checking ABC.com one last time, and lo and behold, 25 chiseled jaw bones stared back at us, with hope for true love on their lips, but desires for fame in their eyes.  And that’s when I gasped.  It was not my proudest moment, but it marked the beginning of yet another incredible journey of getting overly excited about helicopter rides, turning every experience into an analogy for love, and acting as if all we do in fantasy suites is “spend time together.”  I can hardly contain my excitement.

Part II of this preview will be out next week, when I will reveal the fantasy teams for this upcoming season, along with going into detail about the fantasy league itself, including some new rule changes and point systems. Hopefully it inspires all of you to waste more of your time by participating in a similar league wherever you find yourself.  Two hours a week will quickly become four as you give meaning to your Bachelorette-watching experience.  Trust me, it makes the season much more enjoyable, especially in the early episodes.

Anyway, before you can even begin to think about having a fantasy league of your own, you need to meet the gentleman with whom you’ll be spending the next three months.  Please keep in mind that I do not read spoilers, so you’re safe to read without fear of discovering the winner.  Now, without further adieu, here are my thoughts on this year’s crop:

The Lloyd Christmas – Bryden

Every season, the Bachelor produces a new type of contestant to spice things up.  Some examples include the single parent (not mainstream until Emily’s season) and the missing-appendage contestant (Sarah from last year). This year the new contestant is Bryden, who on his profile under occupation lists nothing more than “Iraq War Veteran.”  I believe we have our first soldier!  And this guy isn’t just any soldier, he competed in the 2010 National Soldier of the Year competition and took second place.

Highlights from profile: 

What is your most embarrassing moment?  “I thought I was texting a girl I liked but I had mixed up numbers and was texting a gay dude that had been hanging out with us that night.”  Hilarious.

What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why?  “I am not sure.”  You’d think he’d at least make something up, right?

My take: 

I’ll be rooting for Bryden first and foremost because he’s rocking the Lloyd Christmas look, something we haven’t seen since the mid-90’s.  I cannot wait for the moment he asks Desiree what the chances are of a girl like him and a guy like her ending up together.  “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

The Toolshed – Juan Pablo, Mikey, James

Every crop of candidates has its fair share of tools, and this season is no exception!  Here is what you need to know about this chest waxing trio: Mikey T. is a plumbing contractor, which is a fancy way to say plumber.  Juan Pablo is a former pro soccer player.  James is simply in “sales”, and my nickname for him from the moment I saw him was “Beefcake”, and from here on out that is the only way I will refer to him.

Highlights from profiles:

What does your ideal mate look like?  From Juan Pablo: “Fit body, good size breasts, nice smile.”  Really, Juan Pablo?  Good size breasts?  Unfortunately for me, the internet search “Desiree Bachelorette bra size” didn’t give me any pertinent information.  But I’m going to say Juan Pablo will be a little disappointed.

Favorite Group Activity: From Mikey T:  “Crossfit.”  Figures.

What is your favorite all-time book and why?  From Mikey T: “Haven’t read a book in many years.” Figures.

My take:

If you’re wondering where the drama will come from this season, look no further than Juan Pablo.  He’s the most likely to offend Desiree somehow, perhaps by referring to her inadequate breast size.  Mikey will be everything a proper tool should be, and will be the last one of these guys standing.  My favorite?  Beefcake.

The Token Diversity – Will, Diogo

My Google searches are failing me.  “Has there ever been a Bachelorette season with only white people” yielded no results.  I’ve certainly never seen one, and I imagine each year we’ll have some diversity.  It would be interesting to see a series with a black Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Yet another Google search on this revealed that this is actually a topic of pretty hot debate.  In fact, there is a group lobbying to get an Oregon sportscaster named Lamar Hurd to be the first black bachelor.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on Diogo: He has the word “Blessed” tattooed on his left bicep, has beautiful handwriting, and seems rich, even though Marketing Manager doesn’t sound all too glamorous.  Will, in my opinion, exudes success.  The man is a 6’3 banker whose favorite place to take a date is the gym.  Seriously, that’s what he wrote.

Highlights from profiles:

Meatloaf said he would ‘do anything for love, but he won’t do that.’  What will you not do?  From Will: “Meth.”  

I love it when my date … From Will: “Converses with random people.  I’m always talking to strangers and random people and love it when my date can intelligently hold her own in a conversation.  Ditto, Will.  I’m liking this guy more and more.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?  From Will: “Jay-Z, Sultan, and Kaskade.  They make good beats that make me dance in the streets.”  Spoken like a true brotha.

My take: 

If you hand’t noticed, I didn’t pull anything from Diogo’s profile because it was B-O-R-I-N-G.  I want to see him go home on night one.  Will, on the other hand, is awesome, despite his desire to take his dates to the gym.  I hope Des keeps him around, but she doesn’t seem to be the jungle fever type.

The Weirdos – Nick R., Zak, Micah

I like how these three all have the folded arms look.  That wasn’t planned, these guys are just that special.  This group is dedicated to those contestants who are really nice, very sweet, but who are completely and totally weird. And they’re kind of losers, too.  Every season has them.  Remember Travis, the owner of the precious egg in Emily’s season?  He was one of them.  Ryan from Ashley’s season had a bit of weirdo in him as well.

I’m going to introduce you to these knuckleheads from right to left, because I want to save the best for last.  Poor Micah is a 32-year-old law student whose favorite actor is Bruce Willis because in his words, “he’s a badass.” Zak, in addition to posing like a woman in his picture, is a drilling fluid engineer (whatever that means) from Texas whose worst attributes are a) that he twirls his hair, and b) that he’s constantly “on the move”.  Finally, our good friend Nick works multiple jobs – as a tailor and as a magician.  Yep, a magician.  I only pray he’s as good as this.

Highlights from profile:

What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships?  From Nick: “High-maintenance label whores.”  What does that even mean?

What do you do for a living, and how important is your career to you?  From Nick: “Magic and custom clothing designer.  My career is incredibly important to me, and they both play off each other.  I do magic for corporate clients, and then sell them clothes when they ask me where I got my badass suit.  It’s a perfect marriage.”  That might explain why you don’t have an actual marriage.

What’s the closest you have ever come to getting married?  From Micah: “I bought a ring once after dating a week, as I was sure she was the one.  Two months later I found out she never ended it with her ex.”

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?  How would you use it?  From Zak: “I would be able to open pistachios telepathically … especially the tough ones that just don’t want to pry open.”

What is a typical Saturday night like for you?  From Zak: “Try to convince friends to drive 45 minutes out into the Hill Country (NW of San Antonio) to have a private room karaoke party at the House.”  I’m sure that’s exactly what Des is looking for!  One thing to know about Zak is that he LOVES karaoke.  It’s all over his profile.

My take:

I really want the Magician around as long as possible.  I can’t wait to see what trick he has up his sleeve for his introduction.  Speaking of introductions, I’ve heard rumors of someone showing up in a full suit of armor.  Mark my words, that’ll be either Zak or Micah.

The Vampire – Jonathan

Dude looks like he came straight from the set of a Twilight movie!  I mean, I wouldn’t know, because who watches that crap, right?  Right?  Anyway, Jonathan is an attorney from North Carolina who claims his three best attributes are his height (6’1), shoe size (11), and vertical leap (unknown).  Hey, I’m 6’1 and a size 11, and we’re both the same age.  Maybe it’s time for me to put in my application.  It’s tempting, but I’m still giving myself two more years to hopelessly search for a woman before I resort to reality television, which will quickly be followed by online dating.  I’m currently accepting applications.

Highlights from profile:

Favorite thing to do on a date: “Make out.”  

Least favorite things to do on a date: “Get slapped.”  Which probably happens when you try to do your favorite thing on a date.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?  “Gandhi, because he seemed like a really enlightened cat.”  Yes, he just called Gandhi a “cat.”  Ladies and gentleman, your bachelor candidates!

My take:

I really hate Jonathan.  As someone at work said, you just can’t trust a guy that goes with the no-teeth smile. Part of me thinks Jonathan belongs in The Toolshed with the others, but he just looked too much like a vampire. I want to see him go home as soon as possible, but I see this guy in the top seven.  I’m putting him with Juan Pablo as the most likely to offend Des and make her cry.

The Snobs – Kasey, Brian

Kasey is an advertising executive from Oklahoma who really wants us to know how famous he is (see below). Brian is a financial advisor from Maryland who got really bad advice when he dressed up for his profile picture.  I think that jacket is horrible.  Both of these blokes come off as arrogant snobs, and I don’t like either.

Highlights from profile:

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?  From Brian: “I hope to get an in-depth look in a larger-than-normal-life setting of the reality of the idea of love and connection.  The idea of the integration of normal love and companionship into the various situations this show presents would be something I believe very worthwhile.”  Sheesh Brian, we didn’t ask you for a thesis on the subject.  Tone it down a little bit.

What’s your best date memory?  From Brian: “Bliss happiness feelings.”  I guess Brian is either giving us 500-word essays or three word answers that look like they might have been written by his three-year-old niece.

What do you wish we had asked you?  Tell us!  From Kasey: “That my dad played pro baseball for the Dodgers.  That my brother-in-law has been nominated for 2 Grammys.  About my career and the projects I’ve worked on.  Doing websites for Jennifer Lopez, Lebron James, and my website being shown in a super bowl commercial.  My good friend plays in the NBA.”  We get it, Kasey, you know a lot of cool people.

My take:

Not a fan of either of these guys.  They both think they’re really something, which won’t jive well with the others in the house.  My prediction is that these guys will be the least liked in the house.  Think Kalon from Emily’s season.

The Forgettables – Nick M., Dan, Ben

Nothing about these guys was memorable.  Their looks, their responses, their jobs – all ordinary.  This might be the most you’ll ever hear about them.  Nick M. is an investment advisor from New York, and that’s it.  Dan, the most interesting of the three, is a beverage sales director from California who I have to like because his favorite movie is Dumb & Dumber.  Ben is unemployed an entrepreneur from Texas who has never been in a helicopter. Well, he’s in luck.

Highlights from profiles:

Worst three attributes?  From Dan: “Taking on too much at once, always trying to please, too trusting.”  They asked for three of your worst attributes, not veiled compliments.  Come on, Dan.

Are you comfortable wearing a swimsuit in public?  If no, why?  From Dan: “I grew up swimming and have worn a speedo since I was 5.”  First, is anyone applying for the Bachelor going to answer “no” to this question?  That’s most likely the producer’s first weeding process – anyone who can’t wear a swimsuit, gone.  Is this really a question?  I don’t think we’ve had a speedo-wearing candidate, so I’m really rooting for Dan.  I’m dying to see him to see him rock it European-style, if only to see the reactions of the other guys.  

What do you wish we had asked you?  Tell us!  From Dan: “If you don’t find love on the Bachelorette, would you be interested in being the next Bachelor?  Yes!  I really do hope this works out but if the Bachelorette does not turn out to be the right one I would love to try again.”  I love that Dan is making his interests known.  I will support him in this as long as he makes the speedo a common occurrence.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out for a big night on the town?  From Nick M.: “Probably an hour or less.”  An hour?  Dude, you don’t have much hair, what are you wasting your time on!?

How long does it take you to get ready for a day of casual activities?  From Nick M.: “20 minutes.” An hour for a big night on the town, 20 minutes for casual activities.  What has to be done in those extra 40 minutes?  Let it be known that Nick is the only one that had a discrepancy in these two answers.

My take:

Like I said, these guys are forgettable.  Except Dan.  The more I read his profile, the more I like him.  I still think we won’t see a lot of him and his skimpy swimwear, but I really hope we do.

The Wild Cards – Brooks, Larry

Yes, I realized that I chose the two long-haired dudes as the wild cards.  There’s something about long hair that says dark horse.  Before you shoot these brethren down for their lack of style/good looks, you should learn something about them.  Brooks is in sales & marketing and hails from Salt Lake City, joining Bachelor/Bachelorette legends such as Michelle Money and Bentley.  You can never count out the Utahans. Unlike other contestants from Utah, I believe Brooks is an active Mormon.  It’s just a hunch.

If Larry isn’t the most interesting candidate we have, at least he’s the oldest at 34.  He’s an ER doctor who has degrees in pre-med, philosophy, and theology.  Everything about this guy screams “Ames.”  You remember Ames from Ashley’s season?  He ended up being my favorite guy from that season, and there’s a good chance Larry will follow in his clever, intelligent, but kind of ugly footsteps.

Profile Highlights:

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?  From Larry: “To meet Chris Harrison.”  Exactly what I would have said.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?  From Larry: “Bill Clinton – talk about changing the world and ladies.”  

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?  From Larry: “This show.”  

What is the longest relationship you have been in, and why didn’t it work out?  From Brooks: “3 1/2 years.  Different opinions of what is acceptable and what isn’t in a relationship.  Ultimately I had to call it off.” Sounds like she wanted to yada yada yada, and he wanted to wait.  Strong piece of evidence for Brooks being an active Mormon.

My take: 

While a lot of Larry’s answers were pretty hilarious, he also came off as an arrogant prick.  He may join Brian and Kasey as the a guy that everyone else in the house will hate.  I hope I’m wrong and he ends up being Ames 2.0, but I doubt it.  I believe that Brooks, sadly, will make an early exit despite his high morals, or maybe because of them.  Des is no saint.

The Rest – Brad, Chris, Mike R.

This group isn’t totally forgettable, but they’re not part of The Elite.  I don’t expect one of them to break into the hometown dates, but I wouldn’t be totally surprised if it happened.  Brad, like our magician/tailor, works two jobs which are polar opposites.  He is an accountant, and is also a DJ.  Chris is a mortgage broker from Oregon who was drafted by the Cubs in 2007 and participated in two no-hitters during his professional career.  Whether that was in the major or minors and whether he was fielding or pitching is unknown.  Mike R. would be in the forgettable group were it not for the fact that the man is from London and probably has an awesome accent.  He is a dental student and a model, believe it or not.  I will do my best to find some of his modeling shots at some point this season.

Highlights from profiles:

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?  From Mike R.: “I’ve had sex in public while on a military base.”  Yikes.

What do you wish we asked you?  From Chris: “I have ‘artistic’ side in that I used to write poetry and have a personal book of about 75 pieces that only a few people know about.  Most pieces were written about relationships, baseball, and places I got to go to from 2009-2011.”  Well, now everyone knows about it.  My guess is Des will get a poem on night one from this guy.

What is your favorite all-time book and why?  From Brad: “Can I consider ESPN Magazine to be a book?  I can’t remember the last time I read a book.  I know, it’s bad!”  No Brad, you can’t consider that a book.  I am amazed at how many of the guys on this season don’t read books!  Oh wait, no I’m not.  They’re Bachelorette contestants, after all.

My take:

Chris has the most potential of these three to break into the elite group, but ultimately I believe all of these guys will be forgettable.

 The Elite – Brandon, Robert, Michael G., Drew

This foursome contains some of Des’ most promising candidates.  Brandon is a painting contractor from Minnesota who never really knew his dad.  He was raised by his grandpa.  Get ready for some really emotional stories on that subject.  Robert is an advertising entrepreneur from Arizona who happens to look exactly like Liam Hemsworth (Gale from The Hunger Games).  Michael is a federal prosecutor form New York with size 14 feet.  Drew is a digital marketing analyst from Arizona.  The only word my co-worker can use to describe him is “dreamy.”

Highlights from profiles:

What is your most embarrassing moment?  From Michael: “Flashback, 6th grade chubby Michael – An incident occurred which resulted in having to walk the halls in between classes shirtless, where countless 7th and 8th graders heckled me.”  It was this experience that led him to the gym, where he’s been ever since, as evidenced by the size of his arms.

What is your greatest achievement to date?  From Michael: “Reaching my career goal of being an assistant United States attorney and then winning a trial to convict a notorious gang member.”  Pretty neat.

What is your worst attribute?  From Drew: “I think I just discovered my left leg is longer than my right.”  Since he obviously has no other flaws.  So dreamy.

Do you like to go out dancing?  If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing?  From Robert: “Yes – trying to dance the best I can is the only type I have.”  Me too, Robert!  Wow, we have so much in common.  If you’re anything like me, trying to dance the best you can looks something like this.

My take:

I have really good feelings about all of these guys, and I expect to see a couple of them at hometown dates. Also, since this group doesn’t include the winner, one of them will be the next Bachelor (unless the Lamar Hurd party gains some steam).  Since you’re forcing me to choose, my prediction is that Michael G. will be your next bachelor, and Robert will be the runner-up to this guy:

The Champ – Zack K. 

Zack is a book publisher who lives right here in Newport Beach.  If anyone is interested, I am willing to go to great lengths to stalk him – I just need partners in crime.  The man was drafted to play pro baseball.  I’ve nicknamed him “Kind Eyes”, and will continue to call him that unless he ends up being nothing more than another appliance from The Toolshed.

Highlights from profile:

What is your favorite childhood memory?  “My dad would come home from work everyday and pitch to me.  After I would hit the ball, my golden retriever would fetch the balls and put them in a pile.”  Doesn’t sound like the perfect American childhood?  He’s probably screwing with us.  His dad would probably come home and beat him with a belt while the dog was doing this.

What does your ideal mate look like?  “I don’t have an ideal look.  I’ve learned that beauty is common and it’s all about the connection you share with that special someone.”  Well said, Kind Eyes.  I’m impressed.  A lot more classy than “good size breasts”, right?

My take:

Based on his profile answers and his kind eyes,  I believe this is Des’ man.  Remember, you heard it here first.