Each week, like a dog returning to its vomit, I take upon myself the task of going through two hours of ridiculous television and providing a rundown of it all with twenty pictures. Since Tuesday night was spent watching the Spurs agonizingly choke away Game 6 of the NBA Finals, I decided to simplify the process this week by organizing my thoughts about Monday’s episode into a Power Rankings post. Remember, the rankings in no way reflect my predictions of how Des’ incredible journey to find love will end, but rather my personal feelings about each contestant.
1. Manny & Jan
Wait, Zak’s not number one anymore!? That’s right, he was trumped by Manny and Jan, our Hurricane Sandy survivors. Now, I don’t watch the Bachelorette to be uplifted. It’s what I would call sleazy television and one of my guilty pleasures, so when they started pulling at my heartstrings I was confused and frustrated. Either way, I’m glad Manny and Jan were brought into the show, because I was infinitely more interested in their date than any of Des’ dates. In fact, I think ABC should start a new Bachelor/Bachelorette series for elderly people; people who actually know about life and love, as opposed to the dimwits we’re currently dealing with.
2. Zak W.
Zak W. finally got some love this episode, both at the Mr. America competition and also at the after-competition party. Sorry Chris, the song outdid the poem.
This is the first time I’ve noticed that Beefcake dons a rose tattoo on his right bicep! Either a) he decided to get the tattoo when we got accepted to the show, b) the tattoo motivated him to apply for the show, or c) the tattoo has no correlation to the show. I can’t believe it’s pure chance. If I know Beefcake like I think I do, there is some connection between him being here and his tattoo. There are no such thing as coincidences in matters of great importance. After further research and according to his Bachelorette profile, he claims to have only two tattoos: a bull and an Indian on his shoulder. So I guess that means the rose is new!? Apparently, he wouldn’t be the first contestant to have done this.
Beefcake’s revelation that he cheated on his girlfriend of five and a half years wasn’t as dramatic as he made it out to be. The reason being that it happened when he was a freshman in college, over eight years ago. Did anyone else do the math? If he had a girlfriend of five and a half years as a freshman in college, he must have started dating her when he was thirteen! Get them while they’re young!
It was a very kind gesture for Des and James to give up their date to Manny and Jan, but did they really give up anything other than a fancy meal? Isn’t that them on the dance floor? And is that Beefcake trying to make a move on Jan? He’s going back to the cheating ways he learned as a freshman! It appears Beefcake can go for the young or the old; no one is safe. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife.
Brooks, who took third place in the Mr. America competition, was our real winner, and the main reason was his smashing of the ukulele on stage. That was brilliant. Surprisingly, the tweets that scrolled across the bottom of the screen during this episode were actually funny, most notably the one about Brooks’ deep-conditioning his hair on-stage for his talent. He is clearly in the driver’s seat for Des’ heart right now.
5. Mikey T.
Mikey T. did not do himself justice this week when he made the above comment followed by this:
And then this:
On top of that, he also complained about his swim trunks being too big, claiming they were larger than the ones he had brought for himself.
Aren’t those swim trunks already pretty small? How much less skin do they need to cover before Mikey’s satisfied? On another note, look at Kasey’s sorry frame compared to the rest of our bros. How did he make it past first cuts with a soft body like that? This is the Bachelorette, people. One final note: pull your pants up, Drew.
I found these ridiculous photos on the Bachelorette Tumblr, which I religiously frequent every week. After seeing these, I can understand why Mikey is tired of being objectified!
I’ll bet you thought that was Drew’s washboard. Guess again.
Speaking of Drew, isn’t he this season’s Catherine? We’ve heard next to nothing from him, but you kind of get the feeling his coming out party is right around the corner. Catherine showed up on the scene with a story about a tree that crushed her best friend. How is Drew going to top that?
I’m under the impression that the comment in the picture above was a joke and, believing that, I can say that Michael continues to be one of the funnier of the bros left on the show. Unfortunately, his good sense of humor isn’t doing much to win Des over. He’s far behind many of the other gentleman, and the stunt he pulled where he wrote down letters on pieces of paper did him no good. I might have been okay with it had he not added the first letter of his own last name at the end. I think we’re all kind of waiting for the inevitable with Michael. I envision him being a part of the first two-on-one date, and I’m praying to the heavens above it’s with Ben. “Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.”
Although I rank Chris number eight, he’s really second only to Brooks in the competition. From personal experience, whenever you have the chance to dress like a woman, you have to take it. There’s nothing the ladies like more than a man that can rock heels or a skirt.
Couple the cross-dressing with hula hoops, and you’re really doing well for yourself. I’m just thankful he didn’t try his poetry on stage.
Bryden became a little grumpy-gills this episode, complaining that his feelings aren’t as strong as he wants them to be. In other words, he’s crying about the lack of attention Des has given him since their first date. The harsh reality that Bryden is going to have to accept is that he won’t get another one-on-one date for quite some time, so he’s going to have to make due with the group dates. But that’s just the problem. Bryden isn’t cut out for the inherent competition of the group dates, and we’ll most likely see him constantly petitioning Des for reassurance. His innocent charm has worn off, and despite the constant improvement in his hairstyle, I don’t love where he is headed.
Let’s not forget that his talent was pelvic thrusting in Des’ direction.
10. Juan Pablo
Although Juan Pablo was an unfortunate flop in the Mr. America competition (probably because he’s not from America), he did give us his best Brian impression with this wink. However, even a shot as great as that one is overshadowed by Juan Pablo’s revelation that he has a daughter. Unfortunately for him, the momentum of the single parents is coming to a grinding halt, as Brad was sent home and Ben continues to be Ben.
Kasey won Mr. America with that tap dance!? And all three of the judges really reached a consensus on this? I was hoping Kasey would resurrect the hashtags and somehow use them in the competition, but sadly, they are nonexistent for yet another episode. At this point, the producers have two options with respect to Kasey. Either a) bring the hashtags back, or b) send him home.
Ben will be remembered this week for sporting the biggest bulge in Bachelorette history. It’s a shame he couldn’t have given the speedo to Mikey, because then everyone would have been happy. Ben followed up the bulge with a semi-admirable ribbon dance, and then less admirably by making sure he spent his time with Des in full view of the rest of the guys, effectively pissing them all off yet again. It’s funny to note that if any other guy had done a ribbon dance and sported a bulge, I would have applauded them endlessly for it. Just not Ben, whose reign as villain, I believe, is ending soon.
Does this photo capture what every guy does during the group date after-parties? Do they just sit around and wait for Des to free up? Oh wait, that’s just Ben. I’m pretty sure everyone else hangs out with each other. Group dates have to be the absolute worst experience for Ben.
Goodbye, Zach K.
Zach’s memorable moments included wearing Converse shoes on opening night, and out-dueling Chris at Dodgeball to claim the title of “best former professional baseball player on the Bachelorette”, a prestigious honor. Other than that, he may as well have not been on the show. But let us nor mourn for Zach, for he has a promising career of writing children’s stories ahead of him. Not gonna lie, that wasn’t the kind of book I would have expected from him.
Whoever made this sand castle must have been really pissed off about the amount and quality of the airtime it received. Was all the work associated with the sand castle really only worth a pitiful minute and a half conversation between these two? That thing probably took six hours to build! As good a guy as Brad surely is, he just wasn’t worth the effort. I did feel for him when Desiree made him climb to the top of the lighthouse only to inform him he wouldn’t be receiving a rose, thus making his walk of shame not only longer but much more humiliating. But like Zach, we shouldn’t worry about Brad, as his career as a DJ seems to be soaring.
But this show isn’t soaring. Each week I’m duped into believing this will be the week the crap hits the fan, and it never does. I know, I should have learned by now not to trust the previews, but I can’t help it. I’m still hoping.