Episode 5 – Deutschland

Zak naked backside with writing2

From Bryden leaving to Michael waging a merciless war on Ben’s character, Munich seemed to bring out the worst in some of our contestants.  I don’t mind since the worse they act, the more ammunition I have.  Please enjoy my following thoughts from Monday night.

Monochromatic Hoodies

Monochromatic v-necks were fine in sunny California, but what were the men supposed to wear upon arriving in frigid Munich?  That’s right, matching hoodies.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to know where you can find one of your own.  Don’t stress out, you’ll be able to have your choice of color right here.

Share Sausage

Chris was the recipient of this week’s lone one-on-one date, and in my book, he made some grievous errors.  The first was the sausage. We’ve all seen Lady and the Tramp, but in no way is it ever acceptable to share a sausage in that manner, or to ever share a sausage, period.

Chris Des Dancing

Chris’ second atrocious mistake was deciding it was okay to prance around like a fairy in the town square.  Come on, Chris!  This is Germany!  Be a man!  I’m getting dizzy looking at this gif.  I need to move on.

Chris Poetry

His third heinous act is something we’ve seen already, and one we’re sure to see again: poetry reading.  We get it Chris, you’re a poet. Been there, done that.  You’ve got to be a little more versatile.

Matt White

Chris deserved another uber-awkward private concert for all his stupidities.  Des had to inform Chris on their way to the dance floor that the musician was Matt White, something she had just been informed of five minutes earlier.  It’s not a good sign for Matt White’s career that no one on the show or watching at home knew who he was.

Bryden Questions

Don’t think I forgot about Bryden’s wonderful interruption of Des’ date. I loved that the producers wouldn’t direct Bryden to Des’ location, opting instead to make himself look like a fool as he asked random strangers if they had seen cameras around.  Umm, how about the one right next to you?

Bryden Creeper

Bryden did his best impersonation of Brandon as he watched the couple dance from afar.  I knew Bryden’s hairstyle was a little outdated, but I didn’t realize his wardrobe, specifically his 90’s jeans, were the same way.

If you were Bryden, why wouldn’t you wait until the Rose Ceremony to drop the “I’m leaving” bomb on Des?  You could have enjoyed an all-expenses paid week in Munich!  But alas, Bryden, in Des’ words, broke her heart.  Seems pretty hard to have your heart broken when you’re dating ten other men, right? I always love when one of the contestants voluntarily leaves because they just weren’t feeling it. Des probably thought her days of being rejected were over, but she was wrong.  Nice job, Bryden.

Fun in the snow

Man, don’t they look like they’re having an amazing time?  What a great modeling shot.  Where do you think they’re all running to with those snowballs?  Of all the group dates we’ve had, this one looked like it might have been the most fun.

We should all thank Zach for making the requisite date activity/love analogy: “Love is like sledding down this hill.  I’d say from day one we all pushed off and we looked down and we said, ‘here we go.’  You’re here for love and you have to let yourself go completely.”  There’s no way the contestants constantly come up with these kinds of analogies without being prodded by the producers.  I feel like Zach was asked something like, “How was this date like falling in love?”  


People have wondered why Juan Pablo gets so little air time, but this interview in which he confused “yodeling” with “juggling” might have given us an answer.  Unfortunately, having a sexy accent doesn’t give you mental capacity.

Brooks percher

Brooks decided to take up perching duties for this date, seeing as how not only Brandon but also Bryden had abandoned their posts. Surprisingly, this earned him a rose.

Mikey singing

We said goodbye to Mikey this week, and I feel like this is an appropriate last image.  He was the leader of the group, he was always the life of the party, and he even told Michael he loved him as Michael set off for his two-on-one.  Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?  R.I.P., Mikey.  Go be the king of Chicago.

James playing with Mikey's face

One last note on Mikey: remember when James was playing with his face?  What was that about?

2 on 1

It’s time to talk about, as Michael put it, “Armageddon.”  Michael also said that, “in this gladiator-style setting, I need to go and murder Ben.”  And that’s pretty much what happened.  Michael was absolutely relentless in his attacks on Ben, bringing into question not only his poor rapport with the rest of the house, but also his faith and his parenting.  It was so bad I began to feel terrible for Ben, someone I’ve never liked.  I get that Michael is a federal prosecutor, but those manipulative skills are best left in the courtroom, not on a date. Unless you’re trying to weasel your way into getting some action.  Then go for it, I say.

Hot Tug

“I have a little surprise up my sleeve that can hopefully break some tension, and I think that today will actually be a lot of fun.”  That surprise?  A Hot Tug!  Nothing like a portable pool of hot water to ease the mood and eliminate awkwardness.

Michael Eating

How awkward was this date?  So awkward that it was the first time a contestant actually ate a full meal.  I guess when Michael gets nervous, he eats.


At the end of the night it was Ben’s corpse that was found on the pavement of broken hearts and shattered dreams, riddled with the bullets that spewed out of Michael’s insult-laden tongue.  I’ve been watching this show long enough that I am rarely surprised at what happens, but when Des called out Michael’s name and not Ben’s, I stood up in shock, and then sat back down in unadulterated joy, like the kind Brooks is portraying above.


My brother brought this up, and I couldn’t agree more.  Drew is Captain America, and like Captain America, he wanted good old fashioned justice to be served.  And what better place to prepare a dish best served cold than the snowy tundra of Munich?  I mean, how dare James talk about his future when Des is so clearly part of his present?  I always find it humorous how angry and defensive contestants get when they think someone isn’t around for the right reasons.  Almost as mad as these people get when someone asks them if they even lift.

Zach at work

Speaking of American heroes, who will join the top four now that Bryden dumped Des?  You guessed right.  I believe that my man, the Shirtless Wonder, will join Brooks, Drew, and Chris as the fourth and final hometown host.  Things are looking up for this drilling fluid engineer, and they’ll only get better as it appears he will be going on his first one-on-one next week.  Let’s hope our second stay in Munich is as entertaining as the first.  All hail Deutschland!


4 thoughts on “Episode 5 – Deutschland

  1. RyanCarnallisgay says:

    Very excited for Shirtless wonder to make the final 3 to hear all of your drilling jokes in reference to the fantasy suite and his profession. Keep up the good work.

  2. Bailey says:

    Michael is a horrid person for saying those things on a date. I don’t care what Ben did in the house or whatever, no one should be spoken to like that. I can’t STAND Michael, haven’t been able to since day one. Ugghhh I’m so mad he’s sticking around! Like I think I’m even more mad than when Tierra got the rose over Jackie. He’s no better than the man he portrayed Ben to be.
    Ben 4 lyf.

    • I want to defend Michael, because surprisingly, I still like him. However, I have no words with which I can defend him. His intentions were good, but there was no doubt he went about it the wrong way. If he makes it past tomorrow’s episode I’ll be surprised.

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