Episode 7 – Stepping, Skipping, Running, Finish Line, Break-up

Zak naked backside with writing2

I think I speak for all of Bachelorette nation when I say that we were HUGELY disappointed by this week’s boring episode.  So forgive me if my comments came late this week and are very brief.  I think it’s safe to say that our sadness stems from the unrealistic expectations we set after trusting last week’s previews.  We were promised man tears, but the only tears we got were the boring, I’m-so-happy tears shed by Des.

In fact, this episode was so boring that whoever is in charge of the Bachelorette Tumblr didn’t even bother to post pictures.  I have come to the conclusion that this, the last episode preceding the hometown dates, is the most boring of any Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons for the following reasons:

(1) Anyone who had been the cause of drama has been sent home.  Everyone is more or less here for the right reasons, and it takes away all the fun.

(2) The contestant’s feelings are beginning to get “real”, meaning the dates are less fun and more serious.  We have to suffer through the gentleman stammering as they tell the Bachelorette that they’re falling in love.  Even Zak’s date was boring.

(3) We’ve been watching this episode format (group traveling somewhere, receiving date cards, etc.) for the last five or six weeks, and we’re sick of it.  Mercifully, the next episodes will consist of hometowns, fantasy suites, and the “men tell all”.

Producers, I hate you. Give me better material.

Brooks – “We’re on Cloud Nine!”

Brooks Desiree bachelorette cloud 9

Des’ and Brooks’ date was very important because they created the official Bachelorette love/like scale: stepping, skipping, running, finish line, breakup.  Most contestants decide they can bypass steps 1 and 2, and they all start running.

Really, this scale is just a way for Desiree to be able to say she loves someone without breaking her contract, which explicitly forbids it. Her proclamation of love made it clear that Brooks is the front-runner.  Des is already at the finish line!  Brooks, however, is playing his cards right by telling Des he’s not there yet, and since human nature says we always what want we can’t have, it’s making Des want him even more. It’s Brooks’ game to lose.

Chris – Message in a Bottle

Chris throws bottle

For a former baseball player, I found that to be a pretty sorry throw. He looks more like a woman’s softball pitcher.

Chris bachelorette baseball

But his story pans out.  The man did play baseball.

Chris is currently taking a nap at the finish line.  He’s been there for weeks now, and that’s why he’s in second place and not first.  He likes her too much.

Chris fist pumping

And he’s also a huge nerd, which I can’t stress enough.  I can only think of two appropriate moments to fist pump: playing sports or dancing (one of my personal favorite things to do on the dance floor). Since Chris was neither playing sports nor dancing, this first pump was very unnecessary and shameful.

On top of liking Des too much and being a nerd, he’s also a one-trick pony.  How many weeks in a row have we had to listen to one of Chris’ poems?  What’s even worse, this week was even worse because we got poemed-on twice!  I can only think of  a few things more awkward than writing a poem with someone, and one of those things is telling a girl you love her for the first time in poem format.  Chris successfully did both in one episode.  If this guy becomes the next Bachelor I quit.

Drew – The Legend of Baggier Pants

Get it, like “The Legend of Bagger Vance?”  Anyone?  No?  Fine.

Drew baggy pants

If there’s one thing we learned about Drew this week it’s that he’s probably not gay, which is too bad.  That would have been amazing having him come out of the closet on national television on a heterosexual dating show.  I think I knew he wasn’t gay when I saw him wearing these baggy jeans.

I don’t know where Drew stands on our newly created love scale.  I imagine he’s running and has the finish line in sight.  Desiree has sure taking a liking to him in recent episodes, and I’m still dying to know what the foreboding previews of two weeks ago were showing.  Sadly, I think we’ll have to get through hometowns before finding out.  Drama of that magnitude is often saved for the fantasy suites.

Zak – The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived

Double Kiss

Only on the Bachelorette would you see something like this.  Sadly, this was about all the action Zak got on their date, which is sad considering Des promised the winner of the go-kart race a surprise. What was that surprise, you ask?  The chance to talk with Des first at the picnic!  No way!  That was about the worst prize anyone could have asked for.  You want to be the last person the Bachelorette talks to before the rose is handed out.  Drew spoke to her last and told her about her meeting his mentally disabled sister, so Zak didn’t stand a chance.

Zak's Drawings

Actually, there was one way Zak could have secured the rose for himself.  If he had included his rendition of Des in his collection of paintings, I’m sure Des would have given it to him.

Zak Painting Desiree

I mean, who wouldn’t want that?  It’s beautiful!

Sadly, I love Zak more than Desiree does.  I think he’s the greatest guy this show has ever seen.  Of everyone this season, he’s probably doing the most to try to win Des over.  Brooks doesn’t do anything special, and neither does Drew.  Michael isn’t even here for Des (more below), and Chris’ poems suck so bad he can’t be spending more than five minutes on them.  But Zak?  This guy has gone ring shopping, gifted her the journal, and has now prepared an assortment of paintings representing their journey.  He’s putting it all out on the line, and it’s about to get shoved in his face on Monday.  I’m sorry Zak.  I know how it feels to be hanging out at the finish line knowing she’ll never get there.

Michael – I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes

Michael bachelorette Desiree tabagon

Michael is a unique contestant, because he’s playing a totally different game.  He could care less about being anywhere on the stepping, skipping, running, finish line, break-up scale.  His sole purpose has been bringing the guilty to justice, and since there is no one left to put on trial, Michael serves no purpose.  He’s like Batman trying to find a life after fighting crime, only to realize Rachel is dead and no one will ever love him.  Here we go again.

Michael Bachelorette Desiree outfit

This episode provided very few good moments, but Michael’s outfit was atrociously amazing.  Tucked in button-up with shorts and flip-flops.  Yes!

Michael Desiree private concert bachelorette

The producers probably didn’t want to waste a big name (like Matt White!) on a Michael-Desiree date, so they opted for some local celebrities.  Look how uncomfortable Michael and Des look.  The producers tried to cram their relationship down on our throats in one week so their rose ceremony would be slightly dramatic, but it just wasn’t believable.

But you know what is believable?  Michael’s campaign as the next Bachelor!  Before you dismiss this remote possibility, hear me out.

Do you remember Jake Pavelka’s season?  Since Jake was a pilot, that season’s theme was “On The Wings of Love.”  Michael, like Jake, was known for his profession.  Using all that lawyer jargon and making constant accusations made us associate him immediately with what he is, a federal prosecutor.  So why not use that and build a Bachelor theme around it?  Something like, “The Bachelor: Guilty of Love.”  The possibilities are endless.

The whole season we would be treated to a smorgasboard of love analogies based on law.  Here are some ideas:

(1) Instead of calling them first impressions, we could call each woman’s introduction their “opening statement.”  Michael could hand out the “opening statement rose!”

(2) When the women approach Michael to talk about the girl in the house causing all the drama, Michael could defend her in his interviews by saying, “she’s innocent until proven guilty.”

(3) When the drama-queen’s true colors show, he can say that “new evidence came to light” and that “she was found guilty of being a whore”, or something like that.

(4) He would treat each woman as if she were a “case”.  When he sent them home, he could have some sort of catch phrase, like “case closed.”

(5) When we get down to a small number of woman, Chris can ask how it feels to have strong feelings for multiple women.  Michael could then talk about how they have “joint custody” of his heart.

(6) Even the women could start chiming in with lawyer jargon.  When the most-hated girl in the house gets a rose, they could all yell, “Objection!”

The possibilities are endless, and while making Michael the Bachelor would alienate pretty much everyone, I would be thrilled.  I’ll see you in court.

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Episode 6 – Lactating Nipples Means You’re Going Home

Zak naked backside with writing2

The pilgrimage to Mecca is one of the Five Pillars of Islam, and able-bodied Muslims are encouraged to make the trip at least once during their lifetime.  Christians and Jews alike consider Jerusalem holy, and many will travel there to pay homage to that sacred city.

Bachelor House

What about Bachelor fans?  While not as spiritually significant as the places mentioned above, there is a place that each Bachelor-loving fan should visit.  That’s right – the legendary Bachelor mansion, where the magic begins each season.  On our way back from a trip up north, some friends and I made the sacred journey to Agoura Hills to pay our respects to this romantic landmark.  As you can see, we were still about 50 yards away, but the amorous feelings emanating from the house were strong even at that distance.

After some light research, I learned some important things about the house.  It’s worth about $3.7 million, according to Zillow.  People Magazine revealed that when the shows are filming elsewhere, the house can actually be rented for $2,100 a night, $13,255 a week, or $35,225 a month.

But what was really interesting was what happens when the contestants enter the house and become part of the Bachelor world. They aren’t allowed to have phones and they’re not allowed to watch TV, which I figured might have been the case.  However, they shockingly aren’t even allowed to read!  No books, no magazines, nothing.  They live in a miniature prison, with nothing to do and nothing to think about, other than their current relationship with the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  But that’s okay, because as Drew pointed out on Monday, a contestant should NEVER think about anything else.

Drew Bachelorette Desiree Episode 6 Happy With Drew

Speaking of Drew, Captain America finally got his first one-on-one with Des, and he made the most of it.  After starting things off with a quick street make-out, he decided to take the most emotional storyline of his life, something he apparently hadn’t told anyone, and share it with Des.  Oh, and also with the rest of America.  Talk about being vulnerable.

Des Tongue

Maybe it was Drew’s feeling so exposed after talking about his father that drove him to run off with Des to find a private venue in which to make out.  I think we may have found this season’s Arie.  Of Drew’s kissing, Des made this comment: “Drew is just making out, but in such a great way.”  It was kind of a strange way to phrase the idea that Drew is a great kisser, but Des never was great with words.  Suffice it to say that tongues were flying, hands were roaming and backs were pinned against bricks in an astounding display of violent passion.  We were all so lucky that the cameras were able to catch up to the couple’s attempted getaway.

James Bachelorette Desiree Episode 6 girl

Unfortunately for James, the cameras also were rolling for his pitiful goalie performance.  His lack of athletic prowess was not what I expected from a man of his stature, and the fact that it happened against a bunch of silent, potentially teenage girls made it worse.  The real purpose of the date was not to humiliate the men (although it did), but rather to add fuel to the already burning fire surrounding James.  His performance as goalie added to the anger the men already felt for him because of his conversation with Mikey.

Desiree reading poetry to Chris Bachelorette episode 6

Before I tackle the drama with James, I must make a quick detour to make fun of Des’ awful poetry.  We all thought Chris was bad, but Desiree is much, much worse.  Not only was the poetry bad, but it came right after a very uncomfortable exchange consisting of them whispering weird nothings to each other for about five minutes.  I’m not a fan of Chris.  For lack of better vernacular, he’s a lame nerd. Unfortunately, that lame nerd is most likely going to make the final two, which means we’ll have to prepare ourselves for more awkward poetry sessions.

James Bachelorette Episode 6 Argument Michael Kasey

Back to James.  About half of this week’s episode was spent in moments like these.  Whether it was James arguing the guys or trying to explain himself to Desiree, I got sick and tired of hearing about what he did or did not say.  I think all the guys overreacted to what was, in my mind, a pretty innocent comment.  You can’t really use the argument, ‘if you’re dating someone, you shouldn’t be thinking of other girls’, since we can hardly call what these guys do with Desiree dating. Like most confrontations, there was little substance to the arguments and way too much lawyer jargon.  Enough already, Michael.

James lactating nipples

However, all of the contentions and discussions about James’ secret combinations were worth it when we watched him get so worked up he started lactating from the nipples.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, he was also wearing flip-flops with pants and a dress shirt.

James bachelorette Desiree episode 6 No lactating nipples

What happened to his sweaty boobs?  There are a couple of possible explanations: 1) the producers happened to have a backup shirt of the same make, model, and size ready for him in case something went wrong (like milk leaking from his nipples), or 2) the producers had a lot of blow dryers on hand ready to take care of any excessive sweating. I’d like to believe the former is more likely.  We already know the show dresses them, as we’ve seen too many matching v-necks and hoodies for it to be otherwise.  Who’s to say they don’t have multiple outfits with duplicates ready for each contestant on a whim?  Yet another of the Bachelorette many mysteries, and another reason I may one day have to apply to be on this show.  I want answers.  I think I’m entitled.  I want the truth!

Zak Bachelorette Desiree Freezes Episode 6

James’ ridiculous antics took away from Zak’s first one-on-one date, which was my favorite moment of this season.  I wish Zak were my roommate so I could hang out with him all the time.  He’s the best! It’s to the point that I’m now including Zak from the Bachelor on all my man-crush lists; lists that include the likes of Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt.  That’s how much I like this guy.  If somehow, someway, the producers brought this guy back to be the Bachelor (they never will), I would apply to be on that season.

Zak Desiree picture painting

The date started off great – Zak drew a picture of Des that I thought looked more like the girl from The Ring.

Desiree Bachelorette laughing Zak's picture of her

Despite that unflattering portrayal of Desiree, she loved it.  What other guy on the show could have Des on the ground laughing? Nobody, because they’re all ridiculously boring.  Except maybe Brooks.

Zak Bachelorette Face Nake Guy Episode 6

So Zak had Des laughing and laughing and then … this.  His reaction to this other man’s junk was priceless.  Anytime I see anything with an art class, I think of this great Saturday Night Live skit.  What kind of person would want to work as a figure drawing model, anyway?

Zak Bachelorette Deisree model

Not to be outdone by his Spanish counterpart, Zak took the opportunity to once again show off his abdominal region.  There’s a strong possibility he’ll have this chance once again come fantasy suite time.

Zak and Desiree Bachelorette Episode 6 bad kissers

If there’s one negative to Zak, it’s that he and Des just couldn’t get the making out right.  His nose was always too scrunched up or he was talking while she was kissing.  They just couldn’t get it to look natural.  If Drew is this season’s Arie when it comes to kissing, Zak just might be this season’s Sean.  Thinking about him and Emily kiss last year still gives me the willies.

Zak Desiree making out tunnel dark Bachelorette episode 6

Zak and Des’ poor kissing chemistry didn’t stop them from doing a little pinned-against-the-bricks action of their own.

James Bachelorette no one to say goodbye to

When all was said and done, James, Kasey, and Juan Pablo were sent home.  I felt bad for James.  It’s not his fault he can’t control his nipple excretions!  While everyone else was hugging, no one wanted to say goodbye to him.  His leaving instead of Michael was the only surprise of the Rose Ceremony.  Kasey and Juan Pablo were long overdue, and now Michael has replaced them as the why-are-you-still-here contestant.  Seriously, Michael and Desiree must have something going on that we don’t see on the cameras, because he is not in the same class as the other four guys.  In fact, I’m not even sure he cares about Desiree at this point.  His sole purpose on the show has been to find the guilty and bring them to justice, and now that all the guilty have been punished, what will he do?  He has fulfilled the measure of his creation and will most likely be gone next week.

Drew Bachelorette Desiree Gay

The preview for next week was full of more drama than any preview I ever remember seeing.  I’m pretty sure we saw a clip of every remaining contestant in tears.  We also saw Drew with his hair tousled. Just when I thought Drew couldn’t get any dreamier …  Now, I know the previews can’t be trusted, but I have to make a prediction based on what I saw.  During this conversation with Desiree, we heard Drew say a couple of things along the lines of, “I can’t control it”, and, “it’s never going to work.”  This is a long shot, but I believe there’s a chance that Captain America is a homosexual, and that his journey to find love with Desiree will come to an end because of that.  That would be a Bachelor/Bachelorette first, and it explains the snippets we saw and heard in the preview.  If I had the option of watching the last five episodes today, I’d watch them all back-t0-back-t0-back.  I need to know.  But alas, we all have to wait until Monday.  Happy Fourth everybody!

Episode 5 – Deutschland

Zak naked backside with writing2

From Bryden leaving to Michael waging a merciless war on Ben’s character, Munich seemed to bring out the worst in some of our contestants.  I don’t mind since the worse they act, the more ammunition I have.  Please enjoy my following thoughts from Monday night.

Monochromatic Hoodies

Monochromatic v-necks were fine in sunny California, but what were the men supposed to wear upon arriving in frigid Munich?  That’s right, matching hoodies.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to know where you can find one of your own.  Don’t stress out, you’ll be able to have your choice of color right here.

Share Sausage

Chris was the recipient of this week’s lone one-on-one date, and in my book, he made some grievous errors.  The first was the sausage. We’ve all seen Lady and the Tramp, but in no way is it ever acceptable to share a sausage in that manner, or to ever share a sausage, period.

Chris Des Dancing

Chris’ second atrocious mistake was deciding it was okay to prance around like a fairy in the town square.  Come on, Chris!  This is Germany!  Be a man!  I’m getting dizzy looking at this gif.  I need to move on.

Chris Poetry

His third heinous act is something we’ve seen already, and one we’re sure to see again: poetry reading.  We get it Chris, you’re a poet. Been there, done that.  You’ve got to be a little more versatile.

Matt White

Chris deserved another uber-awkward private concert for all his stupidities.  Des had to inform Chris on their way to the dance floor that the musician was Matt White, something she had just been informed of five minutes earlier.  It’s not a good sign for Matt White’s career that no one on the show or watching at home knew who he was.

Bryden Questions

Don’t think I forgot about Bryden’s wonderful interruption of Des’ date. I loved that the producers wouldn’t direct Bryden to Des’ location, opting instead to make himself look like a fool as he asked random strangers if they had seen cameras around.  Umm, how about the one right next to you?

Bryden Creeper

Bryden did his best impersonation of Brandon as he watched the couple dance from afar.  I knew Bryden’s hairstyle was a little outdated, but I didn’t realize his wardrobe, specifically his 90’s jeans, were the same way.

If you were Bryden, why wouldn’t you wait until the Rose Ceremony to drop the “I’m leaving” bomb on Des?  You could have enjoyed an all-expenses paid week in Munich!  But alas, Bryden, in Des’ words, broke her heart.  Seems pretty hard to have your heart broken when you’re dating ten other men, right? I always love when one of the contestants voluntarily leaves because they just weren’t feeling it. Des probably thought her days of being rejected were over, but she was wrong.  Nice job, Bryden.

Fun in the snow

Man, don’t they look like they’re having an amazing time?  What a great modeling shot.  Where do you think they’re all running to with those snowballs?  Of all the group dates we’ve had, this one looked like it might have been the most fun.

We should all thank Zach for making the requisite date activity/love analogy: “Love is like sledding down this hill.  I’d say from day one we all pushed off and we looked down and we said, ‘here we go.’  You’re here for love and you have to let yourself go completely.”  There’s no way the contestants constantly come up with these kinds of analogies without being prodded by the producers.  I feel like Zach was asked something like, “How was this date like falling in love?”  

Yodeling

People have wondered why Juan Pablo gets so little air time, but this interview in which he confused “yodeling” with “juggling” might have given us an answer.  Unfortunately, having a sexy accent doesn’t give you mental capacity.

Brooks percher

Brooks decided to take up perching duties for this date, seeing as how not only Brandon but also Bryden had abandoned their posts. Surprisingly, this earned him a rose.

Mikey singing

We said goodbye to Mikey this week, and I feel like this is an appropriate last image.  He was the leader of the group, he was always the life of the party, and he even told Michael he loved him as Michael set off for his two-on-one.  Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?  R.I.P., Mikey.  Go be the king of Chicago.

James playing with Mikey's face

One last note on Mikey: remember when James was playing with his face?  What was that about?

2 on 1

It’s time to talk about, as Michael put it, “Armageddon.”  Michael also said that, “in this gladiator-style setting, I need to go and murder Ben.”  And that’s pretty much what happened.  Michael was absolutely relentless in his attacks on Ben, bringing into question not only his poor rapport with the rest of the house, but also his faith and his parenting.  It was so bad I began to feel terrible for Ben, someone I’ve never liked.  I get that Michael is a federal prosecutor, but those manipulative skills are best left in the courtroom, not on a date. Unless you’re trying to weasel your way into getting some action.  Then go for it, I say.

Hot Tug

“I have a little surprise up my sleeve that can hopefully break some tension, and I think that today will actually be a lot of fun.”  That surprise?  A Hot Tug!  Nothing like a portable pool of hot water to ease the mood and eliminate awkwardness.

Michael Eating

How awkward was this date?  So awkward that it was the first time a contestant actually ate a full meal.  I guess when Michael gets nervous, he eats.

Celebration

At the end of the night it was Ben’s corpse that was found on the pavement of broken hearts and shattered dreams, riddled with the bullets that spewed out of Michael’s insult-laden tongue.  I’ve been watching this show long enough that I am rarely surprised at what happens, but when Des called out Michael’s name and not Ben’s, I stood up in shock, and then sat back down in unadulterated joy, like the kind Brooks is portraying above.

CAPTAIN AMERIJFA

My brother brought this up, and I couldn’t agree more.  Drew is Captain America, and like Captain America, he wanted good old fashioned justice to be served.  And what better place to prepare a dish best served cold than the snowy tundra of Munich?  I mean, how dare James talk about his future when Des is so clearly part of his present?  I always find it humorous how angry and defensive contestants get when they think someone isn’t around for the right reasons.  Almost as mad as these people get when someone asks them if they even lift.

Zach at work

Speaking of American heroes, who will join the top four now that Bryden dumped Des?  You guessed right.  I believe that my man, the Shirtless Wonder, will join Brooks, Drew, and Chris as the fourth and final hometown host.  Things are looking up for this drilling fluid engineer, and they’ll only get better as it appears he will be going on his first one-on-one next week.  Let’s hope our second stay in Munich is as entertaining as the first.  All hail Deutschland!

Episode 4 – Ranking the Men

Zak naked backside with writing2

Each week, like a dog returning to its vomit, I take upon myself the task of going through two hours of ridiculous television and providing a rundown of it all with twenty pictures.  Since Tuesday night was spent watching the Spurs agonizingly choke away Game 6 of the NBA Finals, I decided to simplify the process this week by organizing my thoughts about Monday’s episode into a Power Rankings post.  Remember, the rankings in no way reflect my predictions of how Des’ incredible journey to find love will end, but rather my personal feelings about each contestant.

1. Manny & Jan

NJ Couple

Wait, Zak’s not number one anymore!?  That’s right, he was trumped by Manny and Jan, our Hurricane Sandy survivors.  Now, I don’t watch the Bachelorette to be uplifted.  It’s what I would call sleazy television and one of my guilty pleasures, so when they started pulling at my heartstrings I was confused and frustrated.  Either way, I’m glad Manny and Jan were brought into the show, because I was infinitely more interested in their date than any of Des’ dates.  In fact, I think ABC should start a new Bachelor/Bachelorette series for elderly people; people who actually know about life and love, as opposed to the dimwits we’re currently dealing with.

2. Zak W.

Zak Guitar

Zak W. finally got some love this episode, both at the Mr. America competition and also at the after-competition party.  Sorry Chris, the song outdid the poem.

3. Beefcake

James Rose Tattoo

This is the first time I’ve noticed that Beefcake dons a rose tattoo on his right bicep!  Either a) he decided to get the tattoo when we got accepted to the show, b) the tattoo motivated him to apply for the show, or c) the tattoo has no correlation to the show.  I can’t believe it’s pure chance.  If I know Beefcake like I think I do, there is some connection between him being here and his tattoo.  There are no such thing as coincidences in matters of great importance.  After further research and according to his Bachelorette profile, he claims to have only two tattoos: a bull and an Indian on his shoulder.  So I guess that means the rose is new!?  Apparently, he wouldn’t be the first contestant to have done this.

JameS Thank You

Beefcake’s revelation that he cheated on his girlfriend of five and a half years wasn’t as dramatic as he made it out to be.  The reason being that it happened when he was a freshman in college, over eight years ago.  Did anyone else do the math?  If he had a girlfriend of five and a half years as a freshman in college, he must have started dating her when he was thirteen!  Get them while they’re young!

Des and James dancing

It was a very kind gesture for Des and James to give up their date to Manny and Jan, but did they really give up anything other than a fancy meal?  Isn’t that them on the dance floor?  And is that Beefcake trying to make a move on Jan?  He’s going back to the cheating ways he learned as a freshman!  It appears Beefcake can go for the young or the old; no one is safe.  Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife.

4. Brooks

Brooks smashing uke

Brooks, who took third place in the Mr. America competition, was our real winner, and the main reason was his smashing of the ukulele on stage.  That was brilliant.  Surprisingly, the tweets that scrolled across the bottom of the screen during this episode were actually funny, most notably the one about Brooks’ deep-conditioning his hair on-stage for his talent.  He is clearly in the driver’s seat for Des’ heart right now.

5. Mikey T.

Mikey piece of meat

Mikey T. did not do himself justice this week when he made the above comment followed by this:

Mikey Pec Dance

And then this:

Mikey Lifting Weights

On top of that, he also complained about his swim trunks being too big, claiming they were larger than the ones he had brought for himself.

Mikey too small

Aren’t those swim trunks already pretty small?  How much less skin do they need to cover before Mikey’s satisfied?  On another note, look at Kasey’s sorry frame compared to the rest of our bros.  How did he make it past first cuts with a soft body like that?  This is the Bachelorette, people.  One final note: pull your pants up, Drew.

6. Drew

Name those abs!

I found these ridiculous photos on the Bachelorette Tumblr, which I religiously frequent every week.  After seeing these, I can understand why Mikey is tired of being objectified!

My Face

I’ll bet you thought that was Drew’s washboard.  Guess again.

Speaking of Drew, isn’t he this season’s Catherine?  We’ve heard next to nothing from him, but you kind of get the feeling his coming out party is right around the corner.  Catherine showed up on the scene with a story about a tree that crushed her best friend.  How is Drew going to top that?

7. Michael

Michael Mr America

I’m under the impression that the comment in the picture above was a joke and, believing that, I can say that Michael continues to be one of the funnier of the bros left on the show.  Unfortunately, his good sense of humor isn’t doing much to win Des over.  He’s far behind many of the other gentleman, and the stunt he pulled where he wrote down letters on pieces of paper did him no good.  I might have been okay with it had he not added the first letter of his own last name at the end.  I think we’re all kind of waiting for the inevitable with Michael.  I envision him being a part of the first two-on-one date, and I’m praying to the heavens above it’s with Ben.  “Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.”

8. Chris

Chris Heels

Although I rank Chris number eight, he’s really second only to Brooks in the competition.  From personal experience, whenever you have the chance to dress like a woman, you have to take it.  There’s nothing the ladies like more than a man that can rock heels or a skirt.

Chris Hoops

Couple the cross-dressing with hula hoops, and you’re really doing well for yourself.  I’m just thankful he didn’t try his poetry on stage.

9. Bryden

Bryden Grumpy Gills

Bryden became a little grumpy-gills this episode, complaining that his feelings aren’t as strong as he wants them to be.  In other words, he’s crying about the lack of attention Des has given him since their first date.  The harsh reality that Bryden is going to have to accept is that he won’t get another one-on-one date for quite some time, so he’s going to have to make due with the group dates.  But that’s just the problem.  Bryden isn’t cut out for the inherent competition of the group dates, and we’ll most likely see him constantly petitioning Des for reassurance.  His innocent charm has worn off, and despite the constant improvement in his hairstyle, I don’t love where he is headed.

Bryden Pelvic Thrusting

Let’s not forget that his talent was pelvic thrusting in Des’ direction.

10. Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo Wink

Although Juan Pablo was an unfortunate flop in the Mr. America competition (probably because he’s not from America), he did give us his best Brian impression with this wink.  However, even a shot as great as that one is overshadowed by Juan Pablo’s revelation that he has a daughter.  Unfortunately for him, the momentum of the single parents is coming to a grinding halt, as Brad was sent home and Ben continues to be Ben.

11. Kasey

Kasey Dancing

Kasey won Mr. America with that tap dance!?  And all three of the judges really reached a consensus on this?  I was hoping Kasey would resurrect the hashtags and somehow use them in the competition, but sadly, they are nonexistent for yet another episode.  At this point, the producers have two options with respect to Kasey.  Either a) bring the hashtags back, or b) send him home.

12. Ben

Ben Speedo

Ben will be remembered this week for sporting the biggest bulge in Bachelorette history.  It’s a shame he couldn’t have given the speedo to Mikey, because then everyone would have been happy.  Ben followed up the bulge with a semi-admirable ribbon dance, and then less admirably by making sure he spent his time with Des in full view of the rest of the guys, effectively pissing them all off yet again.  It’s funny to note that if any other guy had done a ribbon dance and sported a bulge, I would have applauded them endlessly for it.  Just not Ben, whose reign as villain, I believe, is ending soon.

Ben bored

Does this photo capture what every guy does during the group date after-parties?  Do they just sit around and wait for Des to free up?  Oh wait, that’s just Ben.  I’m pretty sure everyone else hangs out with each other.  Group dates have to be the absolute worst experience for Ben.

Goodbye, Zach K.

Zach K

Zach’s memorable moments included wearing Converse shoes on opening night, and out-dueling Chris at Dodgeball to claim the title of “best former professional baseball player on the Bachelorette”, a prestigious honor.  Other than that, he may as well have not been on the show.  But let us nor mourn for Zach, for he has a promising career of writing children’s stories ahead of him.  Not gonna lie, that wasn’t the kind of book I would have expected from him.

Farewell, Brad

Brad Des sandcastle

Whoever made this sand castle must have been really pissed off about the amount and quality of the airtime it received.  Was all the work associated with the sand castle really only worth a pitiful minute and a half conversation between these two?  That thing probably took six hours to build!  As good a guy as Brad surely is, he just wasn’t worth the effort.  I did feel for him when Desiree made him climb to the top of the lighthouse only to inform him he wouldn’t be receiving a rose, thus making his walk of shame not only longer but much more humiliating.  But like Zach, we shouldn’t worry about Brad, as his career as a DJ seems to be soaring.

But this show isn’t soaring.  Each week I’m duped into believing this will be the week the crap hits the fan, and it never does.  I know, I should have learned by now not to trust the previews, but I can’t help it.  I’m still hoping.

Episode 3 – Winners and Losers

Zak naked backside with writing2

Since this week’s “competition” group dates produced no real winners and losers (due to Des allowing everyone to attend the post-Dodgeball after party), I have taken it upon myself to give you the winners and losers from this week’s episode.

Des – Loser

Oh, how quickly Des has fallen from grace!  I’m amazed that she was actually my favorite girl from Sean’s season.  Now there is so much that I dislike about her, and it all starts with her repetitive vernacular.  The phrase “fairy tale”, once the things dreams were made of, has been bastardized to now mean nothing more than a reference to Des’ polygamist lovemaking.  While the show’s vocabulary is always an annoyance, we also have to deal with one of Des’ most grievous screw-ups: her fashion sense.

Des horrible fashion

The blue dress she decided to wear to the Rose Ceremony wasn’t all that bad, but the necklace-like monstrosity she chose to compliment the dress was hideous.  However, it wasn’t as terrible as the pair of naked pants she wore on her date with Kasey (#12).  There were numerous scenes that it looked like she had no pants on, which would have been as shrewd move considering the last girl to take her pants off won the Bachelor.

Mikey & Michael – Losers

Red Team

Michael (#7) and Mikey T. (#2) ended up on the same dodgeball team going up against none other than their arch-nemesis, Ben (#13).  The entertainment potential was off the charts for this matchup, but it fell miserably short when that wasn’t even a storyline during the games.  Either Mikey T. and Michael didn’t capitalize, or the producers were sick of running the same old story.

Ben & Brian at dodgeball – Losers

Blue team loser

The blue team might have won thanks to the former professional baseball player, but their team was littered with losers.  Brian’s throwing skills look they could use some help, and just get a load of Ben in that outfit.  What a little pansy.  It’s no wonder the blue team decided to sub him out when Brooks (#4) went down.

Brooks and his injury- Loser

Brooks Injured Com

Speaking of Brooks, didn’t they go a little overboard with his injury?  I mean, I’ve never broken a finger, but was it really necessary for him to be hooked up to all those tubes?  Couldn’t they have just put it in a splint and called it a day?  It’s a good thing Bryden wasn’t on that date or he would have pulled out the pictures of his mangled flesh he always carried around.  That would’ve shown Brooks what a real injury is.  Once Brooks finally made his triumphant comeback, why didn’t he change his clothes?  The extra ten minutes spent changing his clothes would have at least allowed the drugs to wear off.  Brooks was definitely loopy.

Chris – Winner, Brandon and his perching – Loser

Brandon the percher

Chris (#9) won the group date rose by escorting Des to the secret helipad, thus earning a spot in yet another awkward concert-for-two.  And, as always, Brandon watched from his perch above, keeping an ever-watchful eye on Des.

Brian – Loser, His Girlfriend – Loser

Confrontation 2

In between the dates we were treated to an especially annoying confrontation between Brian and his old current girlfriend, about whom I have interesting news.  It turns out her name is Stephanie Larimore, and believe it or not (I didn’t), she is a former Playboy model.  Yikes.  Playboy must have been experiencing a downtime during her run.  It’s a good thing Playboy models don’t have to do any talking, because I haven’t heard anything as annoying as her voice in a very long time.

Brian eyebrow 1

So that’s it for Brian.  I’m going to miss him for one reason, and that’s for his perma-wink.  If you didn’t notice, his left eye was always a little more closed than his right, so it looked like he was either a pirate or was constantly winking.

Bryden – Winner

Bryden Cmp

Bryden (#6) wins for robotically making out with Des and, most of all, for deciding to part his hair!  In our Fantasy Draft, Bryden was picked second-to-last, and his hair was the main reason why.  I don’t know who told him he needed to change his hair (maybe the guys in the house), but things are looking up for the ever awkward Bryden.

Winner – Beefcake

James daisy

Beefcake (#3) continues to be one of my favorites, mainly because of his naivety and innocence.  I thought the daisy thing was a memorable move for the big fella, especially after everyone made fun of him for almost breaking his horse’s back.

A quick side note: Can Des please stop saying, “Will you accept my rose” and stick with the general, “will you accept this rose”?  I start to feel very uncomfortable when she personalizes the flower.

Winner – Juan Pablo

Juan tongue

Juan Pablo stole the show in the second group date by a) flicking his tongue into Des’ closed mouth, and b) using said tongue to whisper sweet Spanish nothings into Des’ ears.  While Des has absolutely no intentions of choosing Juan Pablo in the end, she also has no intentions of letting him go anytime soon.  In fact, I wouldn’t put it past her to keep him for the fantasy suites, just so she could have a bit of that sweet Venezuelan loving that everyone always talks about.

Loser Again – Ben

Ben gay outfit

I have to bring up once again how awful Ben’s tank top was.  I’m not a huge fan of the tweets that run along the bottom of the screen during the show, but one of them made me laugh.  It simply said, “Ben’s tank top makes me sad.”  I couldn’t have put it any better.  Couple it with his hot pink swim trunks and I don’t understand how anyone can be on this guy’s side.

Loser – Dan

Dan applying sunscreen

In this case, Dan is the literal loser as he was sent home this week.  He had exactly two semi-memorable moments this season.  One was when his pants ripped while getting on a horse during this week’s second group date (only slightly memorable).  The other was his application of copious amounts of sunscreen during the rap video date.  Dan, you’re making a rap video, and applying all that sunscreen is about the most white thing you could possibly do.  Way to ruin the flow.

Loser Again – Brandon

Brandon crying 2

Man, didn’t you really feel for Brandon this week?  Yeah, me neither.  Brandon, someone left you once again, and if you’re going to be that intense and creepy, you’d better get used to it.  While telling the Bachelorette you love her when you really don’t is a necessary part of getting ahead in this competition, it’s only effective after actually spending time with said Bachelorette.  To express your love in the third episode without having had any significant one-on-one time with her will earn you a trip to the Limousine of Despair.

Quick tangent on Brandon: before entering a yoga class last week, I overheard a conversation between the receptionist and a member of the club, who mentioned that one of his friends was on The Bachelorette, and that he was watching the show with him that night.  After asking, I discovered that his friend was none other than Brandon.  Now, if I were Brandon, the last thing I’d want to do is have my friends over to watch me make a complete idiot of myself on national television.  I wonder if he tried justifying his feelings to his friends (“No man, I really loved her!”), or do you think he played it off as nothing more than acting job?  Either way, there will be no more perching this season.

Future Winners – Drew, Bryden, Chris, Brooks

The Final Four

After three episodes, I think it’s pretty obvious where we’re going for hometowns.  If someone else cracks the top four besides these gentleman, I’ll be surprised (Zach K. (#8) is the wildcard).  Don’t you love these pictures I found?  The picture of Drew (#6) looks like it came straight from the 90’s, Bryden looks like a fish, Chris seems to think flashing us one of his nipples is a good idea, and Brooks looks like the bully from any high school movie you can think of.  There are a lot of other pre-Bachelorette gems like these out on the worldwide web.

Next Week’s Winner – The Shirtless Wonder

Mr. Bachelorette

Next week the contestants on the group date will participate in some type of Mr. Bachelorette competition, and the Shirtless Wonder (#1) is just the kind of guy that should thrive in that scenario.  This preview photo makes it clear that he is the front-runner.  Everyone else is put to shame, and I can’t wait to watch it happen.

Episode 2 – Right Reasons

Zak naked backside with writing2

Right reasons, right reasons … My life will never be the same.  It’s amazing that a song consisting of nothing more than a monotone chant of the words “right reasons” could get so stuck in my head.  Yes, I had a dream about this show last night, and I blame it on that stupid jingle.

Before we discuss any of the dates, I need to bring up two things.

First, you’ll notice throughout this post that as I bring up the contestants, I will attach a number (#5, etc.) to their names.  This number represents their ranking in my eyes, and for this episode the rankings run from #1-16.  I believe it’s important that you know how I feel and where I stand with respect to these gentleman.

Second, we need to talk about the multi-colored elephants in the room.  That’s right, monochromatic v-necks.  Is this a new trend, or has this been happening for some time now?

V-Neck army

Look at that army of color.  You really have only two choices of shirt: collared or v-neck, the latter having become so pervasive that we need to hand out a weekly award for the best (by which I mean worst) V of the episode.

Mikey Deep V

This week’s winner is none other than Mikey T. (#2), who decided this deep-V was a good idea.  You know your tools when you see them because they have more hair on their face than on their chest.  We’ve got ourselves a waxer!  Alright, I feel like we can move now.

Brooks

Brooks & Des

They look quite nice together, which is exactly why there’s no way Des will ever end up with Brooks (#3).  I see Brooks becoming that guy who would have been the best fit for Des, but who didn’t get picked because the Bachelorette is an idiot and never picks the right guy.

Despite the good feelings I have towards Brooks, his date with Des was extremely boring and I don’t have much to say about it.  He did call barbed wire “razor blade wiring”, but that was about as exciting as it got.

Concert for 2

We were treated to the always awkward private concert-for-two, at which I would fail miserably.  I don’t know how to dance with someone else – I ride solo.  I found it amusing that Brooks seemed to be a genuine Andy Grammer fan, who has about as much variety to his music as our bros have to their t-shirts (none).

Right Reasons

Group Rap

The group date, in contrast to Brooks’ date, was wildly entertaining while also being extremely awkward and uncomfortable.  I find it very sad that Desiree was the best rapper of the group (come on, Will).

Will Can't Rap

Speaking of Will, this was his face while trying to learn what appeared to be relatively simple dance moves.  He later revealed that “dancing is my kryptonite.”  I’m sorry, Will, but you’re black.  You have to be able to dance, and you should be able to rap.  Since you can do neither, I and the rest of America must bid you adieu.

Mikey Montage 2

You’re probably wondering why on earth I ranked Mikey T. so high.  In response, I would tell you to go and watch the episode again, especially the rap video.  Mikey T. is a legitimate star.  Just look at those little converse shoes on his knees!  He’s also responsible for yelling at Ben (#16) through the megaphone to “fall off the mountain please” during his horrific rap.  Last but not least, everyone seems to love Mikey.  In case you were wondering, the number one thing I look for in a guy when I watch this show is how much the other guys like him.  If they’re beloved by the group, they’re beloved by me.  That’s one reason I loved Larry and one of the many reasons I love the Shirtless Wonder (#1).  I’m standing by Mikey T. until the end, and I’m thankful the producers have elected to let him stay for drama’s sake.

Brandon covers up

I have to bring up Brandon (#15) holding himself while telling Des that he didn’t actually touch anything, he was just adjusting.  Later, Beefcake (#4) would admit that he never would have worn what Brandon wore, since apparently steroids takes you from eggs to grapes.

My favorite line from Brandon this week: “I’m not an ivy league school guy, I don’t own a billion dollar business, I don’t have this amazing family that has a ton of money, but I was born and I had a dad and a mom like you did.” That was deep, Brandon.  Very deep.

Impromptu Rap

Why did they have to break into an impromptu version of “Right Reasons” at the end of the date?  I’d rather listen to the Thanksgiving song, and that’s saying something.  One final note on the group date: I believe Desiree giving Ben the rose was absolutely the work of the producers, just to heighten the tension in the house.  I love it.  I think we’re well on our way to the first murder ever on the Bachelor series.

Bryden

Jimmer Bryden

A thank you to Alex Grow for sending me Bryden’s new doppelganger, the over-idolized Jimmer Fredette.  If you ask me, that’s a bit of a downgrade from the great Lloyd Christmas.

Bryden montage

Desiree claimed that her road trip with Bryden (#7) was the best road trip she thought she’d ever had, which I thought was a bit of a stretch.  They dipped their feet in the water, failed at flying a kite, picked fruit, and ate fish tacos.  Sounds pretty pedestrian to me.  I felt like the majority of the date was listening to Bryden exclaim, “this is awesome!” or one of the many variations of that statement, such as, “this is incredible!”

Bryden injury

I enjoyed that Bryden came prepared with photos of his mangled flesh for Desiree to enjoy.  When did he decide that was a good idea?  And can anyone tell what part of his body that was?  It looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. Whatever it was, Des quickly moved on to the next picture.

Bryden Des kissing

Des might have thought Bryden’s photos were a little disgusting, but she gladly welcomed his tongue down her throat.  Lovely.  Everyone seems to like Bryden because he’s so bashful and innocent (the guy didn’t know what Brie was!), but I just call that awkward.  His hot tub exchange with Des was painful to watch, and I’ve gathered it word for word for your reading pleasure:

“I’m very glad you saved me for this.  So, yeah … [Yeah, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else].  Well, thank you (awkward laughter).  [Seriously].  Yeah, no, we had a fun time today … So, this is awesome.  This is so much fun.  [Good].  Yeah.  [I’m glad you enjoyed it].  Yeah, more than I could have hoped.  [Really?].  Yeah, it’s been extremely exciting.  [Good].  So …. [It’s been nice].  Yeah, this is completely different but this is awesome at the same time … [Just kiss me already].”

Des finally saved us from something that could have gone on for hours.  Can you imagine how bumbling he’ll be before he goes to the fantasy suite?  I’ll be rooting for him just for that.

The Cocktail Party

Michael and Des talk

Michael (#6), feeling the need to compete with the many sob stories told by the other men, made sure to let Des know that he has Type 1 Diabetes.  Speaking of diabetes, enjoy what lately has been one of my favorite YouTube videos.  Since when did it become standard protocol for the contestants to tell Des their deepest feelings, darkest secrets, and most painful experiences so early on?  It’s now a benefit to have grown up without a parent, with some type of disease, or with an extreme lack of self-confidence.  As a viewer, I love this trend.  As a potential future contestant, I’m not such a fan.  I guess I’ll have to make something up about my dog dying.

Ben's here

When you’ve finally opened up and told the Bachelorette what you’ve told so few people in your life, Ben will arrive to suck the life out of what could have been a great make-out.  Is the Bachelorette allowed to tell an oncoming suitor to wait so she can finish the conversation in which she is engaged?  In a normal world, Des would have told Ben to give her a second so Michael could finish.  However, I believe that it is in the Bachelorette’s contract that she has to accept the advances of any and every man that comes her way.  It’s yet another way the producers manufacture drama.

Ben bad lines

The guys have been hard on Ben from the very beginning, and so I felt like I had to give him the benefit of the doubt last week, but no longer.  He’s a dick and I hate everything about him.

“I wanted you to spend some time with someone, have a conversation with somebody that, hopefully, is going to be the right person for you, instead of having the conversation with all the wrong people.”

He sounds like a really bad salesman.  That was almost as bad as the lines he pulled before kissing Des:

“I love hanging out with you.  I love watching you smile, it’s beautiful, it really is.  But, we have a secret now, and I like that.  You don’t know the secret?  Well, not many guys know that I know what an amazing kisser you are.  These guys are gonna be like, wow, alright, come talk to me.  And not one of them knows about the first kiss.  Or this one.”

At which point he goes in for the kill.  But watch out, Ben.

Brandon is never too far away

Brandon is always watching.

The Rose Ceremony

Needless to say, I was very disappointed with the Rose Ceremony, as two of the members of my fantasy team went home (Will and Robert).  My co-worker sent me this tweet from Des, which explains a lot.

Twitter

Bros before hos, Des, come on.  You should know that.  Seeing Robert go was a bitter end to a disappointing episode.  However, we have a lot to look forward to next week.

Next Week

A girlfriend shows up (probably Brian’s), and just when I thought I had enough dirt on Ben, he goes and wears that tank-top.  But most of all, we get to watch what will happen after Mikey utters these words:

“All this conversation doesn’t get anywhere.  To hammer your point home, sometimes it has to get physical.”

Bring the pain, Mikey.  Bring the pain.

Episode 1 – #willyouaccepttheseabs

Zak naked backside with writing2

I think we’ve found the perfect cover photo to use for this season.  As long as the shirtless wonder is a part of this program, this is what you’ll see every week.  Zak’s full-on nudity was one of the many things I enjoyed about our first episode, but there was also a lot to hate.  That being said, let’s recap some of the best and worst from Monday night.

What I Didn’t Like

The lengthy introduction.  I want the forty minutes I spent watching Des’ introduction back.  Actually, I want the eighty minutes I spent watching and re-watching her introduction back.  That was the longest, most boring, and most repetitive introduction ever.

Des Roller Blade Awkward

Was there anything as awkward as watching her glide down the beach path on roller blades?  She looked ridiculously uncomfortable, and most likely hadn’t worn roller blades since the 8th grade.

Des cry 3

On top of awkward roller-blading, we had to endure Des weeping in interview after interview about her parents, finding the man of her dreams, and so on and so forth.  No matter who it is and no matter how much I liked them before, when a former contestant becomes the Bachelor/Bachelorette, my feelings begin to change.  I can already feel the seed of hate for Des growing in my chest.

The phrase “25 of America’s most eligible bachelors.”  That’s how Chris described this season’s contestants, and how he describes every season’s contestants.

Nick Roy the illusionist

Does that really look like one of the 25 best men this country has to offer?  I pulled that picture from this website, where you can book Nick for somewhere between $250 – $1,000.  Seeing some of these contestants made me a lot more confident that I, when I apply for this show, will be able to make it through the first rose ceremony.

Des’ dress.  Sorry, I thought it was quite ugly.

Des dress 2

The first impressions.  Of the 25 first impressions, I thought 4 were good, 6 were neutral, and the other 15 were downright terrible.  I don’t ever remember cringing this much during introductions.

Good Intros

Those were the only good introductions.  Ben assured himself a spot in at least the next five episodes by bringing his son along for the ride.  It was perfectly executed.

Although extremely cliched, I still kind of liked Chris’ shoelace-tying prank.

I was very impressed by the Magician’s conjuring of the rose, and it’s a shame Nick couldn’t have been better-looking.  The difference between magic being really cool or being really lame is how attractive the magician is. In this case, magic is lame.

I love everything about the Shirtless Wonder (more on him below).

Zak limo

My favorite part of his introduction was not the “Will you accept these abs?” exclamation, but rather this moment when he stepped out of the limo and gazed off into the distance, as if confused or startled by something.  Either way, it was awesome.

Bad Intros

These represent only a few of the poor choices made by this year’s contestants.  Suits of armor probably aren’t the best idea, even if you are ridiculously good-looking, which sadly wasn’t the case here.

Wait a minute!  I didn’t know James shared a dance with Des!  Don’t worry, he didn’t.  That photo isn’t showing a dance, just a really awkward hug/pat on the back/kiss on the cheek.

Jonathan’s fantasy suite joke actually wasn’t all that bad; the right person could have pulled that off nicely. Unfortunately, Jonathan was not the right person, and neither was Des.  She did a really poor job handling that joke.

I love that Will is a really positive guy who loves life and all that, but there is a time and place for a high-five.  The first time you meet the Bachelorette is not one of them.  Neither are all those times you see random strangers on the streets of Chicago.

Will high five

Please stop, Will.

These guys: Brandon, Hashtags 

Brandon

Ladies and gentleman, meet this season’s AshLee, the contestant who is way too serious, kind of creepy, and absolutely positive they are in love like never before.  Get a load of a couple of Brandon’s comments and tell me they don’t remind you of AshLee:

“I don’t even know her that well, but I know what I feel is real and I know what’s inside of me  is real, and I think I just met my future wife.”  What Brandon after talking to Des for the second time in his life.

“I feel like this path I’ve been on this last 26 years of my life has led me to right now, here.  The feelings I have right now are very life-changing feelings, and so it would feel absolutely amazing to get that rose tonight.”

The man is way too intense for his own good, and everything about him screams obsessive and clingy.  I also happen to hate everything else about him.  I hate how he looks, I hate his stupid pinstriped suit, I hate his annoying deep voice, and I hate the fact that he lives close to me (Costa Mesa).  Unfortunately, I think we’ll be seeing much more of him.

Kasey the hashtagger

Hopefully the frequency with which Hashtags used hashtags was nothing more than the producers’ work.  No one uses hashtags that often in everyday speech, right?  Either way, the fact that he uses them at all puts him at the bottom of my list, right above Brandon.  Here are his seven hashtags from episode 1, in all their glory:

“#ThePerfectBachelorette.”

“#MarriageMaterial.”

“#LetTheJourneyBegin.”  I thought his introductory hashtags were going to be clever, but no.  What was funny was how excited he was when he was saying them.  I’m pretty sure he pumped his fist after the last one.

“#NotTooImpressed.”  Referring to Nick’s magic, with which I was very impressed.  Hashtags has bad taste in magic.  That’s a red flag.

“#Shrinkage.”

“#IWantARose.”  #No.

“#FantasySuiteFailJonathan.”  It’s not like the hashtags themselves were a roaring success.  In fact, I’d consider Jonathan’s botched attempt at the fantasy suite more successful than Hashtag’s use of hashtags.

What I’m Still Unsure Of

This guy: Ben

Ben

I liked Ben.  He played his cards better than anyone else, and it went beyond showing off his son.  He said all the right things, and was by far the most confident guy of the group.  Des just ate him up.

That being said, there are some things that make me wary.  First, in response to Des’ question if he was ever married, he said:

“I was never married.  It’s more just two friends have a kid together, and we’re honestly best friends.  He’s got a great mother.”

What the crap is that supposed to mean?  Oh, just two friends have a kid together!?  I mean, when you have the chance to totally complicate and change your life with someone you’re not committed to, you’ve got to take it. I’m surprised Des didn’t probe a little further into that; doesn’t his answer bring up some serious red flags?

On top of that, he does have kind of a pompous, I’m-better-than-you attitude.  After getting the first rose he took it upon himself to give the other guys advice, which was somewhere along the lines of “find time to talk to her.” Thank you, boy wonder.

And this guy: Zach K.

Chuck Taylors

It started with his decision to rock the Chuck Taylors with the tuxedo.  Some liked the look, but I didn’t love it. Besides that we didn’t see a lot of him, but the little I did see I didn’t love.  He was a little rude and had too much tool in him.  He has lost the title “Kind Eyes.”

What I Liked

Robert’s Dog.  What a good pooch!  I think I’m in love.

Robert one eye dog

Ben and Des’ conversation about camping.  

Their conversation went something like this:

Ben: “I grew up camping.”

Des: “I love to camp.  Do you hunt?”

What she meant: “I used to go camping 365 days a year, every year!”

Ben: “I hunt.”

Des: “My dad hunts.  My dad’s a hunter and my mom likes to fish.  Growing up, we went camping, and that’s what you do when you go camping.”

What she meant: “In order for us to eat, my dad went hunting while my mom went fishing.  I ate meat and fish every single day.  That’s what life is like when you’re homeless.”

These Rose Ceremony faces.  

Roser Ceremony

These quotes:

The Magician: “I’m definitely going to us my magic skills to pursue Desiree.”  What girl doesn’t want to be pursued by magic?

Mike R: “I’ve been single for a very long time and the main reason for that is just because I’m very dedicated to a career in school.”  Last time I checked, being a full-time student is not a job.  Were it gainful employment, I would be a student right now.

Jonathan: “I just want to get her and me alone and then I’m going to try and kiss Desiree on the mouth.”  I really wish Des would have gone with him to the fantasy suite.  We were robbed of a potentially fantastic moment of Jonathan going in for the kill, and subsequently getting slapped.  The producers should have made this happen.

Jonathan: “I think I’m a pretty good catch.  I think I’m pretty fun.  My mom says I’m good-looking and my love tank has not been depleted for years.  It’s just been steadily building.  We’re looking at, like, a very large love tank.”  I don’t think any of us know what Jonathan was talking about here, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hilarious.

These guys: Larry, Drew, The Shirtless Wonder, Robert

Larry - glasses on, off

Larry was one of my absolute favorites.  From his rapist wit to his love for Nick’s magic, there’s nothing about Larry I didn’t thoroughly enjoy.  If you didn’t notice, Des was the only one in the mansion who didn’t love this guy – he was making everyone laugh.  Des must have a poor sense of humor, because she was the only one not picking up what Larry was putting down.  Speaking of putting down, how many times did Larry take off his glasses and then put them back on again?  I think he was trying to seduce her.

Drew running

Drew figures to be a prominent and long-lasting contestant, and I’ve got to show him love since he is the anchor of my fantasy team.

Zak Ahoy

I know I’ve talked about the Shirtless Wonder quite a bit already, but if I had to choose one guy as my favorite, it would be him.  Yes, he would even beat out Larry.  Here’s one way to know that Zak is awesome: Upon seeing a muscly, shirtless man walk into the mansion, most guys would take an immediate disliking to said shirtless man, seeing him as a real threat to the Bachelorette’s heart.  However, it seemed to me that everyone really liked the Shirtless Wonder, which says a lot about him.  He might not have a chance of winning, but he will definitely be one of the most entertaining contestants we have.  And for the sake of my cover picture, let’s pray he goes far.

Robert ponders

I know I already predicted Zach K. would win, but if I could do my predictions over again after seeing the first episode, Robert would be my new choice.  The eventual winner is never featured much in the first episode.  Think about the two previous winners: Catherine and Jef-with-one-f.  Both of them laid low episode after episode and were essentially playing from behind the entire time.  That’s what we have with Robert.  Plus, he’s got that one-eyed dog.

The kissing technique Des learned from Sean.  

Des Tongue

Hopefully we have a season full of sloppy tongue kisses ahead of us.