I think I speak for all of Bachelorette nation when I say that we were HUGELY disappointed by this week’s boring episode. So forgive me if my comments came late this week and are very brief. I think it’s safe to say that our sadness stems from the unrealistic expectations we set after trusting last week’s previews. We were promised man tears, but the only tears we got were the boring, I’m-so-happy tears shed by Des.
In fact, this episode was so boring that whoever is in charge of the Bachelorette Tumblr didn’t even bother to post pictures. I have come to the conclusion that this, the last episode preceding the hometown dates, is the most boring of any Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons for the following reasons:
(1) Anyone who had been the cause of drama has been sent home. Everyone is more or less here for the right reasons, and it takes away all the fun.
(2) The contestant’s feelings are beginning to get “real”, meaning the dates are less fun and more serious. We have to suffer through the gentleman stammering as they tell the Bachelorette that they’re falling in love. Even Zak’s date was boring.
(3) We’ve been watching this episode format (group traveling somewhere, receiving date cards, etc.) for the last five or six weeks, and we’re sick of it. Mercifully, the next episodes will consist of hometowns, fantasy suites, and the “men tell all”.
Producers, I hate you. Give me better material.
Brooks – “We’re on Cloud Nine!”
Des’ and Brooks’ date was very important because they created the official Bachelorette love/like scale: stepping, skipping, running, finish line, breakup. Most contestants decide they can bypass steps 1 and 2, and they all start running.
Really, this scale is just a way for Desiree to be able to say she loves someone without breaking her contract, which explicitly forbids it. Her proclamation of love made it clear that Brooks is the front-runner. Des is already at the finish line! Brooks, however, is playing his cards right by telling Des he’s not there yet, and since human nature says we always what want we can’t have, it’s making Des want him even more. It’s Brooks’ game to lose.
Chris – Message in a Bottle
For a former baseball player, I found that to be a pretty sorry throw. He looks more like a woman’s softball pitcher.
But his story pans out. The man did play baseball.
Chris is currently taking a nap at the finish line. He’s been there for weeks now, and that’s why he’s in second place and not first. He likes her too much.
And he’s also a huge nerd, which I can’t stress enough. I can only think of two appropriate moments to fist pump: playing sports or dancing (one of my personal favorite things to do on the dance floor). Since Chris was neither playing sports nor dancing, this first pump was very unnecessary and shameful.
On top of liking Des too much and being a nerd, he’s also a one-trick pony. How many weeks in a row have we had to listen to one of Chris’ poems? What’s even worse, this week was even worse because we got poemed-on twice! I can only think of a few things more awkward than writing a poem with someone, and one of those things is telling a girl you love her for the first time in poem format. Chris successfully did both in one episode. If this guy becomes the next Bachelor I quit.
Drew – The Legend of Baggier Pants
Get it, like “The Legend of Bagger Vance?” Anyone? No? Fine.
If there’s one thing we learned about Drew this week it’s that he’s probably not gay, which is too bad. That would have been amazing having him come out of the closet on national television on a heterosexual dating show. I think I knew he wasn’t gay when I saw him wearing these baggy jeans.
I don’t know where Drew stands on our newly created love scale. I imagine he’s running and has the finish line in sight. Desiree has sure taking a liking to him in recent episodes, and I’m still dying to know what the foreboding previews of two weeks ago were showing. Sadly, I think we’ll have to get through hometowns before finding out. Drama of that magnitude is often saved for the fantasy suites.
Zak – The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived
Only on the Bachelorette would you see something like this. Sadly, this was about all the action Zak got on their date, which is sad considering Des promised the winner of the go-kart race a surprise. What was that surprise, you ask? The chance to talk with Des first at the picnic! No way! That was about the worst prize anyone could have asked for. You want to be the last person the Bachelorette talks to before the rose is handed out. Drew spoke to her last and told her about her meeting his mentally disabled sister, so Zak didn’t stand a chance.
Actually, there was one way Zak could have secured the rose for himself. If he had included his rendition of Des in his collection of paintings, I’m sure Des would have given it to him.
I mean, who wouldn’t want that? It’s beautiful!
Sadly, I love Zak more than Desiree does. I think he’s the greatest guy this show has ever seen. Of everyone this season, he’s probably doing the most to try to win Des over. Brooks doesn’t do anything special, and neither does Drew. Michael isn’t even here for Des (more below), and Chris’ poems suck so bad he can’t be spending more than five minutes on them. But Zak? This guy has gone ring shopping, gifted her the journal, and has now prepared an assortment of paintings representing their journey. He’s putting it all out on the line, and it’s about to get shoved in his face on Monday. I’m sorry Zak. I know how it feels to be hanging out at the finish line knowing she’ll never get there.
Michael – I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes
Michael is a unique contestant, because he’s playing a totally different game. He could care less about being anywhere on the stepping, skipping, running, finish line, break-up scale. His sole purpose has been bringing the guilty to justice, and since there is no one left to put on trial, Michael serves no purpose. He’s like Batman trying to find a life after fighting crime, only to realize Rachel is dead and no one will ever love him. Here we go again.
This episode provided very few good moments, but Michael’s outfit was atrociously amazing. Tucked in button-up with shorts and flip-flops. Yes!
The producers probably didn’t want to waste a big name (like Matt White!) on a Michael-Desiree date, so they opted for some local celebrities. Look how uncomfortable Michael and Des look. The producers tried to cram their relationship down on our throats in one week so their rose ceremony would be slightly dramatic, but it just wasn’t believable.
But you know what is believable? Michael’s campaign as the next Bachelor! Before you dismiss this remote possibility, hear me out.
Do you remember Jake Pavelka’s season? Since Jake was a pilot, that season’s theme was “On The Wings of Love.” Michael, like Jake, was known for his profession. Using all that lawyer jargon and making constant accusations made us associate him immediately with what he is, a federal prosecutor. So why not use that and build a Bachelor theme around it? Something like, “The Bachelor: Guilty of Love.” The possibilities are endless.
The whole season we would be treated to a smorgasboard of love analogies based on law. Here are some ideas:
(1) Instead of calling them first impressions, we could call each woman’s introduction their “opening statement.” Michael could hand out the “opening statement rose!”
(2) When the women approach Michael to talk about the girl in the house causing all the drama, Michael could defend her in his interviews by saying, “she’s innocent until proven guilty.”
(3) When the drama-queen’s true colors show, he can say that “new evidence came to light” and that “she was found guilty of being a whore”, or something like that.
(4) He would treat each woman as if she were a “case”. When he sent them home, he could have some sort of catch phrase, like “case closed.”
(5) When we get down to a small number of woman, Chris can ask how it feels to have strong feelings for multiple women. Michael could then talk about how they have “joint custody” of his heart.
(6) Even the women could start chiming in with lawyer jargon. When the most-hated girl in the house gets a rose, they could all yell, “Objection!”
The possibilities are endless, and while making Michael the Bachelor would alienate pretty much everyone, I would be thrilled. I’ll see you in court.