Episode 6 – Lactating Nipples Means You’re Going Home

Zak naked backside with writing2

The pilgrimage to Mecca is one of the Five Pillars of Islam, and able-bodied Muslims are encouraged to make the trip at least once during their lifetime.  Christians and Jews alike consider Jerusalem holy, and many will travel there to pay homage to that sacred city.

Bachelor House

What about Bachelor fans?  While not as spiritually significant as the places mentioned above, there is a place that each Bachelor-loving fan should visit.  That’s right – the legendary Bachelor mansion, where the magic begins each season.  On our way back from a trip up north, some friends and I made the sacred journey to Agoura Hills to pay our respects to this romantic landmark.  As you can see, we were still about 50 yards away, but the amorous feelings emanating from the house were strong even at that distance.

After some light research, I learned some important things about the house.  It’s worth about $3.7 million, according to Zillow.  People Magazine revealed that when the shows are filming elsewhere, the house can actually be rented for $2,100 a night, $13,255 a week, or $35,225 a month.

But what was really interesting was what happens when the contestants enter the house and become part of the Bachelor world. They aren’t allowed to have phones and they’re not allowed to watch TV, which I figured might have been the case.  However, they shockingly aren’t even allowed to read!  No books, no magazines, nothing.  They live in a miniature prison, with nothing to do and nothing to think about, other than their current relationship with the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  But that’s okay, because as Drew pointed out on Monday, a contestant should NEVER think about anything else.

Drew Bachelorette Desiree Episode 6 Happy With Drew

Speaking of Drew, Captain America finally got his first one-on-one with Des, and he made the most of it.  After starting things off with a quick street make-out, he decided to take the most emotional storyline of his life, something he apparently hadn’t told anyone, and share it with Des.  Oh, and also with the rest of America.  Talk about being vulnerable.

Des Tongue

Maybe it was Drew’s feeling so exposed after talking about his father that drove him to run off with Des to find a private venue in which to make out.  I think we may have found this season’s Arie.  Of Drew’s kissing, Des made this comment: “Drew is just making out, but in such a great way.”  It was kind of a strange way to phrase the idea that Drew is a great kisser, but Des never was great with words.  Suffice it to say that tongues were flying, hands were roaming and backs were pinned against bricks in an astounding display of violent passion.  We were all so lucky that the cameras were able to catch up to the couple’s attempted getaway.

James Bachelorette Desiree Episode 6 girl

Unfortunately for James, the cameras also were rolling for his pitiful goalie performance.  His lack of athletic prowess was not what I expected from a man of his stature, and the fact that it happened against a bunch of silent, potentially teenage girls made it worse.  The real purpose of the date was not to humiliate the men (although it did), but rather to add fuel to the already burning fire surrounding James.  His performance as goalie added to the anger the men already felt for him because of his conversation with Mikey.

Desiree reading poetry to Chris Bachelorette episode 6

Before I tackle the drama with James, I must make a quick detour to make fun of Des’ awful poetry.  We all thought Chris was bad, but Desiree is much, much worse.  Not only was the poetry bad, but it came right after a very uncomfortable exchange consisting of them whispering weird nothings to each other for about five minutes.  I’m not a fan of Chris.  For lack of better vernacular, he’s a lame nerd. Unfortunately, that lame nerd is most likely going to make the final two, which means we’ll have to prepare ourselves for more awkward poetry sessions.

James Bachelorette Episode 6 Argument Michael Kasey

Back to James.  About half of this week’s episode was spent in moments like these.  Whether it was James arguing the guys or trying to explain himself to Desiree, I got sick and tired of hearing about what he did or did not say.  I think all the guys overreacted to what was, in my mind, a pretty innocent comment.  You can’t really use the argument, ‘if you’re dating someone, you shouldn’t be thinking of other girls’, since we can hardly call what these guys do with Desiree dating. Like most confrontations, there was little substance to the arguments and way too much lawyer jargon.  Enough already, Michael.

James lactating nipples

However, all of the contentions and discussions about James’ secret combinations were worth it when we watched him get so worked up he started lactating from the nipples.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, he was also wearing flip-flops with pants and a dress shirt.

James bachelorette Desiree episode 6 No lactating nipples

What happened to his sweaty boobs?  There are a couple of possible explanations: 1) the producers happened to have a backup shirt of the same make, model, and size ready for him in case something went wrong (like milk leaking from his nipples), or 2) the producers had a lot of blow dryers on hand ready to take care of any excessive sweating. I’d like to believe the former is more likely.  We already know the show dresses them, as we’ve seen too many matching v-necks and hoodies for it to be otherwise.  Who’s to say they don’t have multiple outfits with duplicates ready for each contestant on a whim?  Yet another of the Bachelorette many mysteries, and another reason I may one day have to apply to be on this show.  I want answers.  I think I’m entitled.  I want the truth!

Zak Bachelorette Desiree Freezes Episode 6

James’ ridiculous antics took away from Zak’s first one-on-one date, which was my favorite moment of this season.  I wish Zak were my roommate so I could hang out with him all the time.  He’s the best! It’s to the point that I’m now including Zak from the Bachelor on all my man-crush lists; lists that include the likes of Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt.  That’s how much I like this guy.  If somehow, someway, the producers brought this guy back to be the Bachelor (they never will), I would apply to be on that season.

Zak Desiree picture painting

The date started off great – Zak drew a picture of Des that I thought looked more like the girl from The Ring.

Desiree Bachelorette laughing Zak's picture of her

Despite that unflattering portrayal of Desiree, she loved it.  What other guy on the show could have Des on the ground laughing? Nobody, because they’re all ridiculously boring.  Except maybe Brooks.

Zak Bachelorette Face Nake Guy Episode 6

So Zak had Des laughing and laughing and then … this.  His reaction to this other man’s junk was priceless.  Anytime I see anything with an art class, I think of this great Saturday Night Live skit.  What kind of person would want to work as a figure drawing model, anyway?

Zak Bachelorette Deisree model

Not to be outdone by his Spanish counterpart, Zak took the opportunity to once again show off his abdominal region.  There’s a strong possibility he’ll have this chance once again come fantasy suite time.

Zak and Desiree Bachelorette Episode 6 bad kissers

If there’s one negative to Zak, it’s that he and Des just couldn’t get the making out right.  His nose was always too scrunched up or he was talking while she was kissing.  They just couldn’t get it to look natural.  If Drew is this season’s Arie when it comes to kissing, Zak just might be this season’s Sean.  Thinking about him and Emily kiss last year still gives me the willies.

Zak Desiree making out tunnel dark Bachelorette episode 6

Zak and Des’ poor kissing chemistry didn’t stop them from doing a little pinned-against-the-bricks action of their own.

James Bachelorette no one to say goodbye to

When all was said and done, James, Kasey, and Juan Pablo were sent home.  I felt bad for James.  It’s not his fault he can’t control his nipple excretions!  While everyone else was hugging, no one wanted to say goodbye to him.  His leaving instead of Michael was the only surprise of the Rose Ceremony.  Kasey and Juan Pablo were long overdue, and now Michael has replaced them as the why-are-you-still-here contestant.  Seriously, Michael and Desiree must have something going on that we don’t see on the cameras, because he is not in the same class as the other four guys.  In fact, I’m not even sure he cares about Desiree at this point.  His sole purpose on the show has been to find the guilty and bring them to justice, and now that all the guilty have been punished, what will he do?  He has fulfilled the measure of his creation and will most likely be gone next week.

Drew Bachelorette Desiree Gay

The preview for next week was full of more drama than any preview I ever remember seeing.  I’m pretty sure we saw a clip of every remaining contestant in tears.  We also saw Drew with his hair tousled. Just when I thought Drew couldn’t get any dreamier …  Now, I know the previews can’t be trusted, but I have to make a prediction based on what I saw.  During this conversation with Desiree, we heard Drew say a couple of things along the lines of, “I can’t control it”, and, “it’s never going to work.”  This is a long shot, but I believe there’s a chance that Captain America is a homosexual, and that his journey to find love with Desiree will come to an end because of that.  That would be a Bachelor/Bachelorette first, and it explains the snippets we saw and heard in the preview.  If I had the option of watching the last five episodes today, I’d watch them all back-t0-back-t0-back.  I need to know.  But alas, we all have to wait until Monday.  Happy Fourth everybody!

5 thoughts on “Episode 6 – Lactating Nipples Means You’re Going Home

  1. Michelle says:

    OH my gosh I’ve thought since day one that Drew is attracted to men. But I didn’t make that connection with the teaser from next week…..so true though!!! Aahh the suspense. Screw finding out who Des picks in the end (which I unfortunately already know)…more importantly – is Drew straight or gay?!?

  2. Greg says:

    You can’t handle the truth!

  3. Andy says:

    Michael to get kicked off this show. He is sooo annoying and condescending. Seriously Des, why Michael?? Why? Drew is definitely gay. That was obviously from the start. It’s always the really pretty guys that strongly resemble Barbie’s Ken. Sigh. I think we all know it’s down to Brooks and Chris anyway. Chris is a tricky character, when he talks he is a dweeb, but then sometimes they get these impressive, flashing camera angles of Chris and you think “whoa whoa. Chris??…IS he attractive?” As far as the other 99% of this episode, James is fine. He didn’t even say anything that bad and made the other guys look dramatic and insecure. I liked when he yelled at Michael. Did you? IS that what you heard? YOU WEREN’T THERE Michael! From episode 1 Zak has reminded me of you. You guys should be roommates for sure.

    • I feel so honored that Zak reminds you of me. My confidence has reached an all-time high. I agree with all your comments, especially the one about Chris. Every once in a while I’ll think, “maybe he isn’t all that bad after all”, and then he reads poetry and I’m reminded he’s a nerd.

      PS – Your brother lives in LA and I met him briefly over the 4th, but I didn’t realize it was your brother until after the fact.

  4. Mandy says:

    I NEVER liked James and I’m so glad he’s gone. I can’t believe Des almost kept him. That whole situation was maddening. Again, guys acting like dramatic girls is such a turnoff. I used to like Michael and I still think he’s attractive but it’s time for him to go.

    Oh man, those previews were intense! I think everyone at our watch party was standing up, jaws dropped. Drew is dreamy and I really don’t want him to be gay but that’s definitely what the previews make it sound like. Argh!! His voice bothers me but I still love him. Oh how I would love to reenact that passionate kissing in the dark alley scene with him… Seriously, how could he be gay?!? #mindboggling #sayitisntso

    I’m super jealous that you saw the mansion. That needs to happen in my life.

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